During summer, when there are no parties to break, or drunk students to catch urinating, what exactly does PSafe do? Catch criminals, that’s what. In this week’s edition: Water guns? Public lewdness? Princeton quickly becomes the next possible locale of a CSI spin-off. Meanwhile, The New Yorker is all like, “You guys were so right about the Kindle thing,” and coincidentally “the Kindle ate my homework” becomes a viable excuse. Also, oh my God!, the Princeton Review made lists of colleges and people  freak out about them.

Public enemies.

• Remember that call you got Monday morning from the automated robot woman who cried wolf? About a possible gunman on campus and staying indoors and all that? That was because Public Safety heard from an employee that spotted a young man with what looked like a gun (prompting the flurry of emails and calls to students and faculty). Well, couple minutes later, turns out the guy was a camp counselor carrying around a water gun. Again, those sick sons of bitches at Nerf spark a Princeton lockdown . While we certainly appreciate the attention to campus safety (really! we do!), we’re sure that everyone would prefer a little more discretion at PSafe Headquarters before pressing the big red panic button.

• Moving on down the police blotter… Guess who decided to make an appearance on campus this weekend? Yes, that’s right, our very own Professor of Public Lewdness, the Princeton Masturbator. Not to be outdone by watergun-toting teenagers, the wanker struck again, this time between Clio and West College. Sporting a hip but conservative white button-down and jeans, the young man asked a visiting lady for some directions Saturday night, while, you know, exposing his genitals. But folks!, this might be the end of an era. Shortly after receiving the call about the man, PSafe sprang into action and actually caught the perp, took him into custody, and charged him. Could this have been the wanker’s last strike? Is there more than one of them? Just why does he always hang around Clio Hall and East Pyne? Why does he always ask for directions? Is he lost and looking for a way home? So many unanswered questions – we’ll keep you updated with any answers.