Oh, hey, it’s the end of March! I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’ve recently asked yourself what you’re going to be doing with the rest of your life.
Let’s try that.
Imagine your future. It’s looking good. The market’s bouncing back, and you’re not getting any of those accusatory glances when you tell people you work in finance–well, except for every year at Reunions, when you run into your Woody Woo classmates who are Just back for the weekend! before going abroad to help run elections in yet another small developing nation. But whatever, because things are going well for you! Waking up at 5 am? You were always an early riser! Working on Sunday? It’s not like you’re religious! Most importantly, you genuinely enjoy investment banking, and it’s just a nice plus that you’re making–we’re all friends here, let’s not be coy–$125K. LOL, yeah, you’re doing OK.
FLIP THE SWITCH:
You thought about going to grad school, but you know what? What you really want to do is be a freelance writer. Sorry, Mom and Dad, you’re going to be poor, but on the bright side, you’re putting that English degree to use. And it’s going to happen for you, even if you have to eat soup made of hot water and crushed vitamins for a little while, and even if you have to spend the summer months living in a storage shed in the backyard of your friend’s house in East Williamsburg. OK, Bushwick. Whatever, man, you’re following your dreams! That takes sacrifice, and these crazy stories–Yes, you even went on food stamps, cuh-razy!–are just going to make your memoirs that much more compelling. In the mean time, you’ll do what you can to get by.
Are you at the office 23 hours a day in a coke-fueled effort to squeeze every last penny out of your 20s and 30s?
Are you going out of town with your post-divorce trophy-girlfriend to visit your slave ship collection in the Barbados?
Do you work for a corporation that received TARP money?
I AM YOUR DOG-WALKER.
The self-described “dopest, most swagged-out LEGEND OF THE UNIVERSE dog-walking champion of New York City” is offering his services to Upper East Siders for $15 an hour–while wearing a Princeton lettermen’s sweater, no less.
Full Craigslist post after the jump. (h/t Sarah Vitali)
When UPC ex-prez Brian No ’10 offered me the title of The Ink‘s “Editorial Director” a little more than a year ago, this here site was but a couple of awkward posts, written by the members of a rather obscure club, that also happens to be really, really old. So I figured, Taking an ancient institution into the 21st century should be fun and not big a deal. And then apparently people started reading us. A lot of ’em. Which, I mean — What? Really? We like it though, so thanks.
I should say that The Ink started as an effort to expand the Press Club’s presence online in the midst of a changing media landscape, but it quickly became something more than just an extension of our work with publications. Yeah, I guess we became “bloggers,” but even more than that, I think we became a voice. Over the past year or so UPC has emerged as a campus institution students can count on for news, commentary, and the occasional laugh. I’m glad to have had a part in shaping that and UPC history.
But my time’s up now. Yes, after writing north of a hundred posts of varying wit and quality, editing countless others, and losing a bit of my sanity the whole time, I’m hanging up the ol’ keyboard and getting kicked out. Good riddance, right?
At any rate, a round of thanks are in order for making The Ink what it is today. So, I want to acknowledge the newsmakers, the personalities, and the ridiculous that make Princeton great: Sabra hummus, Four Loko, Jane Randall, Connor Diemand-Yauman, freshmen, alumni who make bad decisions, Bros Icing Bros, campus printers, Firestone, PrincetonFML (and The Mod), The Economy, Princeton Reunions, USG, long walks to Forbes, Chatroulette, senior theses, Cannon Club, Dean’s Date, Shirley Tilghman, Nancy Malkiel, Yale, the Prince, the cold, IvyGate, the U-Store, Small World, Rap Music, and of course, the Princeton Masturbator.
And of course, we’re thankful for you — our readers. A lot of times people come up to me and say they’ve been reading The Ink and love it, or that something we posted was kind of insulting, or that it was spot on, or that your blog isn’t funny bro, or that it’s really just pretty asinine, et cetera. And honestly, we take that to heart and try to make our site better for you guys since, well, we’re not writing it for ourselves. Please keep the (constructive?) criticism coming; we really do listen.
So before I overstay my welcome (and before, honestly, I lose any more time remaining to scrounge up a thesis), I’ll hand the mic over to Giri Nathan ’13, your new Editorial Director. He’s a fine individual. Address any and all hatred/criticism/concern to him now; I’ll still be accepting praise.
And with that, I’ll be taking my leave. It’s been fun, and I’m glad to have been along for the ride. Here’s to another 100 years of crazy things happening at Princeton, to the imminent repeal of grade deflation, and our enjoying it all together in some gaudy orange and black. See you at Reunions.
Have any tips for us? Drop us a line at email@example.com
5:00 PM — Everywhere
Brian Wilson, after pitching the winning game of the 2010 World Series, expresses all your emotions perfectly in a single sentence.
Congrats guys, another Dean’s Date managed. Now please, for the sake of your sanity, either go to bed or start having fun.
4:47 PM — Underneath the invisibility cloak
Did you see us make it disappear? We thought we’d do Princeton a solid and rid it of one more procrastination tool during the final stretch, so we put the invisibility cloak over the Dean’s Date post. Some may call this a “technical glitch.” Semantics…
If you missed it, keep clicking the refresh button to see if the magic happens again…
4:42 PM — McCosh Courtyard
There is currently an insanely long line for these sweatpants stretching from the mouth of the cathedral to (last I checked) to around Murray-Dodge. Good luck if you’re planning on getting a pair. I just did. They are silky smooth.
As we head into the final painful stages of sleep deprivation and prolonged mental activity, we can use some tips from others trained to push their bodies to the breaking point—marathon runners. While DCW may insist on a divide between the cool sporty kids and the dorks who wear their allnighter badges like Olympic Gold medals, I maintain that we share some common ground with our athlete friends.
Here’s what Mary Wittenberg, president and chief executive of the New York Road Runners, the group that puts on the ING New York City Marathon, has to say about competitive marathon runners:
“Mental tenacity — and the ability to manage and even thrive on and push through pain — is a key segregator between the mortals and immortals in running,” Ms. Wittenberg said.
You can see it in the saliva-coated faces of the top runners in the New York marathon, Ms. Wittenberg added.
“We have towels at marathon finish to wipe away the spit on the winners’ faces,” she said. “Our creative team sometimes has to airbrush it off race photos that we want to use for ad campaigns.”
If you’re covered in slobber and waiting for your towel at the end of this finish line, you’ve done us proud. Keep kicking.
3:19 PM — Cafe Viv
So I was looking for a little inspiration (for this blog post, not for my actual Dean’s Date papers, mind you – I am an upstanding follower of the honor code, and let’s face it, if you’re still looking for inspiration at this point you have no business being on a blog site. Just kidding, we want you here anyway.) A little poking around the dark recesses of the Internet brought out this gem: EssayGenerator.
Type in any phrase, and it gives you a more or less grammatically correct, albeit very short, essay on the subject of your choice. Fun! Let’s see what it has to say about Dean’s Date…
“As soon as a child meets dean’s date they are changed.”
“Though I would rather be in bed I will now examine the primary causes of dean’s date.”
Don’t let me get your hopes up, though. It goes downhill pretty fast:
“Let us consider the words of that silver tongued orator, that most brilliant mind Elijah Bootlegger ‘A man must have his cake and eat it in order to justify his actions.’  I argue that his insight into dean’s date provided the inspiration for these great words. To paraphrase, the quote is saying ‘dean’s date wins votes.’ Simple as that.
The question which we must each ask ourselves is, will we allow dean’s date to win our vote?”
It sure doesn’t have my vote…and neither does this essay machine, for that matter.
Two hours – it’s go time.
3:10 PM– Second Floor Frist
As the final hour draws ever closer…
Still have a bajillion words/pages to write?
All the nearby print stations are broken?
Operating on less than .5 hours of sleep?
3:03 pm – Delirium is a funky place
If you’re like me, you’re anal about saving your work. You ‘save as’ your essays multiple times, hoping that the extra copies will ensure that the labor of your love/desperation won’t suddenly get up and disappear.
Sounds good and all, but the problem with this approach is that you get a folder full of papers titled:
‘Yoga in Prisons’
‘Yoga in Prisons, second draft’
‘Yoga in Prisons, updated for reals this time’
‘Deans Date copy’
‘FINAL JRN paper!!!’
‘NO PICK THIS ONE. FINAL FINAL COPY’
‘JRN story HERE LOOK HERE’
Don’t ask me why I don’t use the streamlined system of titling them ‘Draft 1,’ ‘Draft 2,’ and so on. I assume my mind doesn’t think in such ordered terms early Tuesday morning. I like my titles to have Punch. Energy. Pizzazz!
So anyways, here’s what happens. I open ‘FINAL JRN paper!!!’ ready to edit and submit. Shocked to find gaping holes (read: at least 5/18 pages) in essay. Wonder, “OMG, did I fall asleep and not finish the paper like I thought I did? Did I really not finish it? I DELUDED MYSELF into thinking I finished?!?” Panic ensues as I frantically start writing, anything- anything really, to fill up the space.
Twenty minutes later, for some reason, I go through my notes, and revisit my alternate drafts. Realize that ‘FINAL JRN paper!!!’ is not, in fact, the final one. ‘Deans Date copy’ is. Everything is there.
All is well.
2:33 PM — Firestone Trustee Room
Guys, you’re so close! But, I know the last stretch can be grueling. Are you lacking motivation? Let this guy rev you up.
If HE can do it, YOU CAN TOO.
2:30 pm –Back to the hallway with the Turkish Alphabet poster.
So, when professors say that we must include our signature of the Honor code with the electronic copies of our papers, they mean that we can sign in Paint, right?
Here are some of my greater samples.
2:17 PM — The Internet
Like us on Facebook. Don’t pretend like we’re not friends by this point, we’ve been up all night together.
1:33 pm — In my room (uh, still…)
The only workouts I ever manage to squeeze in on Dean’s Date are a few chairside jumping jacks to break up the blood clots in my legs.
Thankfully, a tipster sent in this video from the Princeton Crew Team. It’s a first-person view of some strenuous-looking speed gauntlet, and it’s pretty (vicariously) invigorating.
Sayeth our tipster: “You feel like you’re actually getting dizzy with him in the beginning, and if you go to 1:18, the guy FALLS and skins his hands. I feel like I just exercised.
1:21 p.m. – The minds of LMNT
It was the A-Teens last night, LMNT today. I fear that I will forever be known as the girl-who’s-obsessed-with-teeny-bopper music, but please, this is as good a day as any for flashbacks to my junior high glory days.
I couldn’t find the official music video, but this is so much better. How old are these kids, anyways?
*TRIVIA: LMNT, pronounced “element,” was chosen as a band name because the musicians liked the symbolic meaning. The four basic substances that make up the universe – earth, wind, fire, and water – are completely different, yet coexist in harmony…wait for it…just like the band members themselves!
Gotta love diversity.
1:00 PM — Cafe Viv
Time’s getting pretty tight, but can you spare three seconds? You’re here, so I’m guessing yes.
For extra giggles: Open the video in YouTube and keep pressing ‘2.’ Repeat ad nauseam.
Try not to fail as hard this Dean’s Date.
12:55 — Still in bed, still working, still living, still blogging
According to Brian No ’10, while the liveblog post may have 1,250 views, the homepage here at www.universitypressclub.com has over 2,100.
“So, like, wouldn’t it be accurate to say that something along the lines of half the school has read the liveblog?”
Have you been staring at your textbook for too long? Gazing blindly at your computer at a blank document that is supposed to be an essay? Dreaming about Thanksgiving break? If you want a quick break that you can pretend is studious, look no further: molecular animation! These animated videos of cellular life are super trippy. They may not help you study for your MOL 215 midterm, but perhaps they’ll give you a new-found appreciation for the cell.
This one depicts white blood cells attacking diseases.
Had enough of the clunky, buggy, bland webmail of old? There is hope yet. According to USG president Mike Yaroshefsky, OIT has a whole new site in the works — they’ve got a functional version up and they’re currently gathering feedback, says an anonymous tipster. The Ink took this new version for a little test drive, and I might actually be a webmail convert.
A godsend: the Reply function is now conveniently contained within the same window, so your screen isn’t constantly cluttered by pop-out windows. And although I don’t feel qualified to comment on any real technical improvements, there’s much to be said for aesthetics. Everything is a lot more readable, for one. Gone are the sterile whites and grays and blues, replaced by … markedly friendlier whites and grays and blues. (This theme is actually titled “Blue Steel.”) The spacing’s better; the font’s bigger. The trash bin is cuter. The buttons are nice and rounded in an endearingly pressable way.
Filming began in the Boston area on the morning of the 26th. First came an introductory segment filmed in Gloucester Harbor (Connor and Jonathan are the “Green Team” — you can catch a glimpse of them at around 4:15 in this video). Then the teams made their way to Logan Airport, where they were photographed by bystanders not affiliated with the show. Here’s Connor and Jonathan at the airport en route to the first leg in England (more details after the jump):
We know that there’s still a week of finals, but since the year is almost over, we thought we’d share a silent video of Princeton commencement ca. 1928. Some of it you’ll recognize — like the hand motions to Old Nassau or the P-rade. But apparently there are some traditions we’ve lost in the past 80 years — like riding around on people dressed as horses? That part starts around 3:50 but there are plenty of other quirky traditions throughout the clip.
DO YOU HAVE A TIP FOR US? LET US KNOW AT theinktips[at]gmail[dot]com
5:45 P.M. — My bed
After many hours of not-sleep, countless pages of top-form b.s., a sprightly walk to Robertson to hand in some papers, some McCosh kettle corn, and a sick Dean’s Date water bottle, it is time for sleep.
Wake me up when it’s time to get down.
4:13 P.M. — Some advice from Alec Greven
May come in handy later. Like in 47 minutes or so. Or maybe not.
4:00 P.M. — Princeton
There’s one hour left. Oh my god. Where did all those other hours go? The end is in sight…
3:40 P.M. — The Edge
Read your papers once more through. One of my recurring nightmares is turning in a final paper that has all the profanity and gibberish that accompany first drafts.
“INSERT BULLS–T ABOUT GLOBALIZATION HERE”
My first draft calls.
3:31 P.M. — So. Close.
But in case you were wondering, you haven’t quite hit this milestone yet (and if you have, contact the Guiness Book of World Records immediately).
3:25 P.M. — On the Brink
Need some more Gaga for the final stretch? Mr. Christopher Walken gives you “Poker Face”:
3:03 P.M. — It’s almost time.
No matter how hard
The task may seem
Dont give up our plans
Dont give up our dreams
No broken bridges
Can turn us around
Cause what were searchin’ for
Will soon be found
Cause we’re almost there
2:57 P.M. — My room
Just thought of one that the anagram generator didn’t come up with. (Yes, this is how I procrastinate.) This one goes out to all the freshmen (and young sophomores?) out there:
Dean’s Date = Da Sad Teen
2:39 P.M. — I don’t even know anymore
It’s getting to be that time. Here’s some motivation.
Yes, you can do it. Let’s just all pray our professors don’t have this reaction:
12:28 P.M. — My Nightmare on Elm Street.
4 hours and 30 minutes to go. Whatever you do, do not fall asleep.
Don’t fool yourself. Dean’s Date wants you as badly as Freddy Kruger does.
11:37 A.M. — Hey. Stop it. Wake up.
10:00 A.M. — It’s five o’clock somewhere
In these places, more specifically: Amman, Helsinki, Istanbul, Athens, Jerusalem, Baghdad, Beirut, Kyiv, Cairo, and Minsk. I don’t think those are the places this dude had in mind when he wrote this song.
Not really advisable. Read on for healthier options. (image source: http://voices.mysanantonio.com)
Ok, so we’re less than 48 hours away from, well, you know, and you’re feeling a little concerned. Well, perhaps anxious. Or maybe you’re just downright freaking out. But never fear! While the “you’re not alone” argument can only go so far, our friends over in Cambridge have come out with a far more practical panacea to calm the masses (and no, it’s not one of those free, magical, online essay machines–we do have an Honor Code, guys).
The Barker Underground, the official blog of the Harvard Writing Center, has plenty of tips and tricks that come in handy for the frenzied student writing final papers. So if you don’t have time to make an appointment with Princeton’s own Writing Center (and let’s face it, who does at this point?), you may want to check out some of the tips that Harvard has to offer.
Remember TigerFinder? If you don’t, get familiar: Last year some COS majors whipped up this thing that you download onto your computer that then sends out a signal to TigerFinder to let people you add as “Friends” on the thing know exactly where you are on a map of campus. And so we were all like, whoa, creepy!
Well guess what? Version 2.0 just came out, and it’s taking over Princeton. (Okay, not really, but a lot of people seem to be using it.)
USG Prez Yaroshefsky sent out an email earlier with a link to this USG blog post about the recent usage of the app, which shows some interesting graphs, like this one:
But, what exactly does this mean? Client usage? We just want to know: just who on campus is using TigerFinder, this creepiest of creepy Internet devices?
Using some intensely rigorous statistical analysis and IP tracing (read: Paint), we decided to break down just who’s adopted the thing, and when: