<3 The U-StoreIf you’ve been following the latest round of USG elections (here’s a refresher if you haven’t), you’ve been waiting with bated breath to find out who will be appointed to fill the vacant 2012 class secretary position. Well, while we don’t know who Lindy & Co. are going to choose, we recently heard about one of the pending applications that put a decidedly different spin on the standard class government operating procedures. This is a real application, submitted to 2012 class officers; the applicant asked that we not use his name. Without further ado … the best class government application EVER!
To: “Lindy Li” lindyli@Princeton.EDU, dpuglies@princeton.edu, jmonagle@princeton.edu
Sent: Sun 24/04/11 12:28 PM
Subject: Fwd: Re: We need a secretary
Secretary Application: ************ 2012
Race: Caucasian
Gender: Male
Here are the questions that we would like you to answer:
1) Why do you want to get involved in class government?
As a very outgoing and politically involved individual, I have found that my medium of choice, commenting on PrincetonFML and Daily Princetonian articles, can no longer give me the breadth of reach my visionary voice requires. Class government and its mass-email opportunities present a unique opportunity to let everyone know what witty commentary I have to say. Whether it is a simple yet timeless outpouring of “LOLZ” or the more sarcastic and biting “LAWLZ,” the people deserve to know my trifling opinions on the inconsequential news and gossip of Princeton life.
I hope through the extended mass emailing privileges of class government to instigate even more contention between class officers and the incompetent body known as the USG. Dominic Pugliese has done an excellent opening shot, but I believe the vitriol needs to go even further. Why stop at mere pronouncements of the USG’s ineptitude? Personal attacks on members have always proven effective – merely look at the current political climate! Outright lying is the norm of modern American politics – who cares if Yaroshefsky isn’t actually the love child of a midget and a capybara? If you tell it to the masses, some will believe, regardless of any “fact checking” or “correcting” that occurs after it has been said. You may even apologize for wrongfully accusing him of embezzling USG funds to invest in his chain of wee-man designer outfits, but the question will remain “Where did he get the money to design all of those tiny people suits?”
2) Why are you interested in the secretarial position specifically? (”It’s the only open position in the senior class government” is a perfectly reasonable answer.)
I have always considered myself a natural candidate for the secretary position. While I firmly believe that occupations are very much gender oriented and that a secretary is as female a role as nurse or sandwich artisan, I understand that the modern progressive times call for new ways of looking at the world. With this in mind, I would propose referring to me instead as the “2012 Chief of Notetaking and Logistics.” Adding “Chief” to any position of course denotes the masculinity and power appropriate to the position. The name change would entail the creation of an underbody to serve said Chief of Notetaking and Logistics, specifically several aids and a woman to act as my secretary.
More original ideas, including a push to change Dean Dunne’s name to “Count Chocula,” after the jump!
