Seriously, I’m at what’s supposed to be the greatest university in the world, and yet there’s not a single McNugget to be had within walking distance?  What’s up with that, Princeton Borough Slash Township?

I mean, I know you think you’re just soo perfect and classy and Pleasantville that you won’t even allow stand-up signs on your sidewalks (stores… trying to sell stuff?  How very tacky of them; how very Plainsboro) — I mean, I’m not surprised or anything.  And maybe I’d have just learned to deal with this sorry state of affairs — accepted the situation for what it was — had it not been for the fact that Princeton’s already invited freakin’ Subway into the cool-kids club while McD’s still stands shivering out in the cold rain.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Subway — I’d shotgun their Sweet Onion sauce if they’d let me (/ if I fully knew what shotgunning meant?  People talk about it a lot at all the parties I don’t go to but I’m not exactly sure how you do it).

But you can just tell that the zoning board allowed Subway in because they thought to themselves, “Oh, but it’s so much healthier than McDonalds.  So much more in keeping with our small-town values.” You think Subway’s so different, so healthy? Yeah, ok.  Question: You ever eaten a double-meat double-cheese extra-mayo Italian BMT? Yeah, neither have I.  But my friend did once, and then he had a heart attack.  IN THE RESTAURANT.

Or Massimo’s!  Everyone loooves Massimo’s.   But what do you think that sausage-and-cheese pizza is made from, anyways?  Hate to break it to you, Princeton Borough Slash Township, but the answer’s not arugula.  Or even fennel!  Nope, it’s sausage.  And cheese.  And grease.

Or maybe you’re just so high and mighty that you assume the only people who eat at McDonalds are the ones who don’t know any better — the ones who haven’t been exposed to such high-falutin’ culinary delights like hummus and pita and Olives curried chicken salad.  Well, no.  Here’s the deal: people eat at McDonald’s because it’s delicious, because it’s been engineered to be delicious by the best flavorists and food scientists in the world.  Simple as that.

I guess what I’ve been trying to say with all this is that I’ve been going through a lot lately — like, a lot a lot — and a Filet o’ Fish would’ve really helped me keep things in perspective.  Am I asking too much?  I do not think that I am asking too much.