Seriously, I’m at what’s supposed to be the greatest university in the world, and yet there’s not a single McNugget to be had within walking distance?  What’s up with that, Princeton Borough Slash Township?

I mean, I know you think you’re just soo perfect and classy and Pleasantville that you won’t even allow stand-up signs on your sidewalks (stores… trying to sell stuff?  How very tacky of them; how very Plainsboro) — I mean, I’m not surprised or anything.  And maybe I’d have just learned to deal with this sorry state of affairs — accepted the situation for what it was — had it not been for the fact that Princeton’s already invited freakin’ Subway into the cool-kids club while McD’s still stands shivering out in the cold rain.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Subway — I’d shotgun their Sweet Onion sauce if they’d let me (/ if I fully knew what shotgunning meant?  People talk about it a lot at all the parties I don’t go to but I’m not exactly sure how you do it).

But you can just tell that the zoning board allowed Subway in because they thought to themselves, “Oh, but it’s so much healthier than McDonalds.  So much more in keeping with our small-town values.” You think Subway’s so different, so healthy? Yeah, ok.  Question: You ever eaten a double-meat double-cheese extra-mayo Italian BMT? Yeah, neither have I.  But my friend did once, and then he had a heart attack.  IN THE RESTAURANT.