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I’ll be honest: without Jane Randall on ANTM and CDY and Jonathan Schwartz on The Amazing Race, I was starting to go into serious Princeton-on-TV withdrawal.  For a couple of months, the Orange Bubble achieved the pinnacle of mainstream media fame — and then the world promptly forgot us, and I could no longer use the excuse of, “Oh you know, just keeping up with what’s going on around campus,” when a five-minute study break turned into a Hulu marathon.

But on Tuesday, Princeton will be back for another fifteen minutes of reality TV fame when our very own House of Cupcakes will compete for a sweet $10,000 prize on the Food Network’s Cupcake Wars.  Ruthie and Ron Bzdewka, HOC’s owners, will battle three other master bakers in a series of elimination challenges until just one cupcake genius remains.

cupcake

Go on ... you know you want one!

Don’t let the sugar and cute factor fool you — this is war, and may the best cupcake win.  So grab some of HOC’s creations (the red velvet flavor is their most popular, and perfect for a post-Valentine’s Day screening) and tune in to the Food Network channel at 9pm on Tuesday, 2/15 to watch the Bzdewkas battle for cupcake glory.  And in case you needed another reason to root for the home team, if HOC wins they’ll donate the prize to St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital.

Do you spend hours agonizing over your choice of a Facebook profile picture, only to worry that the pic just doesn’t feel right?  (It’s weird, but you swear your eyes in the picture start to look sadder and sadder — emptier — the longer you stare at them. Is that just a “you thing”?  Or are everyone’s Facebook eyes like that?) [Everyone's Facebook eyes are like that].

We feel your pain.  We want you to take better pictures.  And we figured — who better to teach you how than Jane Randall ‘12 of America’s Next Top Model?

UNJUSTLY ELIMINATED TOP MODEL CONTESTANT JANE RANDALL ‘12 LOVES SLEEP, HATES STAIRS. WE’D WRITE MORE ABOUT HER BUT WE’RE TOO UPSET RIGHT NOW.  JUST READ THIS SURVEY OR SOMETHING WHILE WE GO PUT A VOODOO HEX ON TYRA.  OK?  OK.

Ivano Grasso / The CW

Ivano Grasso / The CW

Name: Jane Randall
Age: 20
Major: History
Hometown: Baltimore, MD
Eating club/residential college affiliation: Cottage

Who’s your favorite Princetonian, living or dead, real or fictional?
Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in Princeton?
Anything post-Street.

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day?
Sleep.

What is your greatest guilty pleasure?
Radio Disney

What’s your favorite article of clothing (that you own)?
Anything purple.

What’s the last student performance you saw?
The [Shakespeare] production that was put on in the New Butler amphitheater last year. I could see it all from my room.

What’s the best place on campus for a photoshoot?
Cuyler – I think Ralph Lauren actually shot an ad in the courtyard two summers ago.

What makes you laugh?
South Park.

What makes you cry?
The idea of actually working one day.

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America's Next Top Model

Ivano Basso, The CW

Cameras capture light, light reflects off surfaces — and that, dear readers, is where Reality Television must halt, unable to penetrate any further.

Try as you might, you simply can’t suck a person’s inner life into a videocamera, smash it into a million pixels, and then project what remains onto a TV screen. Scientifically impossible, I say!  Instead, all you can hope to capture are those aforementioned surfaces; all you can show are actions, not thought.

Not thoughts, hopes, and dreams, but cussing, fighting, and drinking: these are the building blocks of reality TV personhood, made available to editors for endless stacking and restacking until something like a character gets formed.

Someone like Snooki from Jersey Shore is an editor’s dream. She’s a wholly external creature: impulse translates directly into speech and action without the delay of unfilmable, tempering contemplation. And when Snooki acts, she acts BIG. To laugh is to snort, to drink is to guzzle, to cuss is to emit more [BLEEPS] per minute than a turn-of-the-century telegraph operator.

Snooki, in short, has a Reality Television “personality” – which is to say, an extreme one. Jane Randall ’12 does not, as America’s Next Top Model’s judges have remarked again and again, especially on tonight’s episode, which saw her land in the bottom two come elimination time for that very reason.

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Mathieu Young/The CW

Mathieu Young/The CW

Models today are kind of like children in the Victorian Era. To the grownups who run the fashion industry, they’re meant to be seen, not heard.

America’s Next Top Model reaches consistently thrilling creative heights by turning that truism on its head.  It’s a simple concept: Mic up some models, set them loose, and listen in.  With any luck, you can then grace the airwaves with bons mots that would turn even Wilde green with envy; for example, “Stank ho poured beer on my weave.”

As I discussed in my previous recap, though, Our Jane of Princeton is a special case: the more she’s shown talking, the worse she does.  Last week, a sudden case of the chatters set her up for a brush with elimination.

In tonight’s episode, Our Jane happily returned to her more circumspect ways, and her relative silence proved, if not golden, then at least good enough to grab the silver: her photoshoot with legendary Vogue photographer Patrick Demarchelier earned her the second callout to safety during judging panel.

And oh did angels weep with joy!

Lord knows I could testify ’till the sun goes down about Jane Randall Twelve’s miraculous redemption this cold autumn night; I could wax rhapsodic about the celestial fire in her eyes, the ethereal lightness of her posing; I could sing ’till hoarseness of Demarchelier’s holy encouragement, sacred as a blessing from the Pope on Christmas.

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Oh my.

I knew things were heading south for Jane when she started talking. Top Model Jane doesn’t talk! Up until tonight’s episode, the show’s fifth, she’s been edited as a complete non-entity, a near-mute. Want proof? Someone on the Internet — not me, I swear — has strung together every single moment of screentime Jane’s gotten so far. If you have a minute and twenty-five seconds to spare, check out Jane’s episode three contributions in their entirety:

“Glorified extra” about sums it up.

But there Jane was, in tonight’s opening scene, no less, combining tonguetwists and lungbreath and repeated, vigorous jawflapping to produce the units of language most commonly known as “words.” Words! Unfortunately, these words were, “My father is a pulmonologist.” Then, in a confessional: “Growing up I was very fortunate. I haven’t had the struggles that other people have in their backgrounds. [What about Dean's Date, Jane?  What about Bicker?].

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antm-15-ep-1-jane

If these cheekbones could talk: Jane in action (source: The CW)

If you were following our blog these past few months, you know that The Amazing Race isn’t the only reality series with a Princeton connection this fall.  This season (or, as the show’s creator/judge/host/resident eccentric Tyra Banks insists on calling it, “cycle”) of America’s Next Top Model features junior Jane Randall among its bevy of smizing beauties.

Randall, a former member of the lacrosse team who hails from Baltimore, MD, is back at Princeton while the show airs (Wednesday nights at 8 pm on The CW).  So far we’ve only seen Jane in the show’s casting episode, in which she had a scant few minutes of direct screentime.  Still, that was enough time for Jane to: 1) receive the first profanity-bleeping of the cycle (for her reaction to the show’s new grand prize, a cover and two spreads in Vogue Italia); and 2) be labeled “privileged” by one of the show’s judges for attending Princeton and owning horses.

How the 5′9″ History major did going forward in the competition is everyone-but-Jane’s guess.  But while Jane can’t reveal her ultimate fate on the show, she did call us last week to talk about her Top Model experience.

The Ink: What made you want to apply for the show?
Jane:  In October in I was in New York with my mom, and a photographer approached me in Starbucks and asked if I was a model, and I said no. But it was always something I kind of wanted to do. So I went back to my dorm and actually took a couple pictures in my dorm room with my roommates. I sent it in to some agencies and got some calls back. And then I sent them in to Top Model —  I was watching Gossip Girl on the CW website, and there was actually a link to apply for the next Cycle…

Why was modeling something you always wanted to try?
It’s always been something I’ve thought about doing, I guess ever since my growth spurt. People have always said, “Oh, you’re tall and lanky, you should be a model.” But I never had any idea about how to go about doing it.  And then I kind of took it as a sign when the photographer approached me. I figured, why not send in some pictures and find out if I could actually do it?

Before the show, who or what did you think of when you heard the word “model”?
Mainly editorials in magazines. I wasn’t very familiar with runway [modeling], I’ve never really watched fashion shows. I guess an image in a magazine was what I thought of when I heard the word.

And now?  Do you think of yourself?  Do you consider yourself a model?
That’s a good question. Before the show, I definitely did not — it’s something I [just] wanted to do. But through the course of the show, you’ll see I’m trying to figure out if I can.

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This is like OA for the real world. (via ew.com)

This is like OA for the real world. (via ew.com)

Remember when ex-Student Body President Connor Diemand-Yauman ‘10 got a special graduation ceremony and skipped the whole “walking across a stage” thing this past May? And then, remember when we told you CDY and best friend/Fantasticks star Jonathan Schwartz ‘10 had actually skipped graduation because they were starring on the upcoming 17th season of the CBS hit reality show The Amazing Race?

Well, that’s happening. Yes, ScwhartzDY™ (don’t try stealing that CBS) will be one of 11 teams throwing themselves into challenges around the world for the chance to win one million dollars. How’s that for your first paycheck outta college?

CBS today started promoting the event, and here are the guys introducing themselves on the Race website.

Look at that! Witty, tricky, and they got the whole “we’re best friends!” thing going on to boot. Everyone’s gonna be rooting for these tigers. (Not to mention “Relationship: Ivy League A Cappella Singers” — that’s one for the scrapbook.)

The two also answered some questions for CBS. Schwartz’s answers are particularly hilarious:

If I could switch places with someone: Yanni

Role model/hero: My parents, Mother Theresa and Kenny G (not necessarily in that order).

What are you passionate about? Tweezin’ the old unibrow

What would you do if you won the million dollars? If I were to win the million dollars I would buy a pony, but just one.

People would be surprised to learn: That my name, “Jonathan,” is translated to mean “gift from God.” Coincidence? I think not.

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3045549519_a3dba04a38Even with the outcome potentially spoiled, CDY on the Amazing Race is just so fascinating to me.

In my pre-Princeton life I followed The Amazing Race as fanatically as some people follow football or baseball or the Academy Awards. I would flip out at the announcement of a new destination (“We’ve never been to Ethiopia before!” I’d exclaim, as if I were actually along for the ride instead of bouncing on a beanbag chair in my basement), bawl at the elimination of my favorite teams, and spend hours poring over game analysis on Reality TV message boards.

It was weird, I know. But when you’re a high schooler looking to use pop culture as the means of escape from your so-called teenage life, you really have to commit to your obsessions. Polite interest in a show or team or band doesn’t really get you anywhere – and me, I wanted to go everywhere, skip out of Delaware and cross the whole world three times over, preferably with a CBS camera crew in tow.

What I’m saying is, given this past obsession, the prospect of any old Princeton student on the show would be compelling to me.  But what makes CDY on the Amazing Race­ especially compelling – like I said, out-and-out fascinating – is that CDY wasn’t just any old student during his time at Princeton. He was one of our private college’s public figures – politically, at least, our big man on campus.

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And waited, waited, waited for two hours yesterday to have my chance in front of the producers of this prospective show (if you remember from my previous post, the team is shooting a pilot first).  I brought work, though, so it was fine.

I waited in an upstairs lounge at the Nassau Inn.  While sitting around, I also filled out an application form that included all sorts of nosy prompts.

Describe yourself. “Pet peeves include oily hair.”
Did your parents go to Princeton? “No.”
Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? “Yes.  Of the pillow variety.  Her name is Dianne.”
Why do you want to be on this show? “I WANNA BE FAMOUS!!!  No, not really.  But maybe a little?”

People got called up one by one for interviews.  Everyone remaining made small talk (”You were curious about this too?”  ”Yup.”  ”How are they gonna film this?  They’ll NEVER get into Eating Clubs.”)  A tall, broad-shouldered, chiseled-jaw type’s interview lasted almost half an hour.  (”They must’ve really liked him.”)

Then it was my turn to go into the conference room and submit to an on-camera interview.

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2317062349_d6c40c0780Earlier this year, we gave some advice to seniors struggling to find jobs: get yourself on a reality TV show.

But it turns out you don’t even need a diploma to cash in on that Princeton cachet — because the cameras are coming to us!  Yup, Old Nassau might just get its moment in the national reality spotlight.

According to recent notices floating around club listservs this week, a production company plans to hold  a casting session on May 8th at the Nassau Inn for a “campus lifestyle show” that will shoot its pilot at Princeton in September and October.  Princeton students who’ll be at school fall semester (ie freshman, sophomores, and juniors) are eligible to try out.

I asked the production company’s on-campus liaison, Ben Bush ‘10, for some more information.  Bush says he signed a pretty restrictive non-disclosure agreement with the company.  But here’s what he says he can disclose:

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Part 2: Choose Your Ivy Type

So you’ve decided to give up on the job search and try out for a Reality TV show. Congratulations!  Like I said before, you’re a total shoo-in.

Why, again?  America, as you probably know, has a love-hate relationship with the Ivy League.  Wealth! Power! Privilege!  Great stuff.  When push comes to shove, though – at least on Reality shows – people really just want to see Ivy Leaguers fail.  Hard.

And who can blame them?  It’s always satisfying to see the high and mighty brought low.  Remember this: You’re going to get cast because producers want someone the audience can instantly root against.

So when you’re trying out, give those producers what they want.  Show up to the interview sporting your preppy best.  Begin every statement with the phrase, “As a Princeton student…”  Say the words “Eating Club” at least six times, and “bicker” at least twice.

Most importantly, know just what kind of Ivy Reality type you’re going to be, and play that part to the hilt.

Are you…

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