YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THESE AGGRESSIVE, STRESS-INDUCING DEAN’S DATE POSTERS AROUND CAMPUS. THE INK’S INSIDER INFORMATION TEAM HAS CORNERED THE CREATOR(S) OF THIS PROPAGANDA AND ASKED THEM THE REAL HARD-HITTING QUESTIONS.
Name: The Committee to Motivate Students to Do Dean’s Date Work (CMSDDDW) Hometown: Grover’s Corners Major: General Club and Residential College Affiliation: Club Foot
Are you an animal, mineral, or vegetable? We are argon-based lifeforms, straddling the boundaries between what is alive and what is merely sentient. So kinda like all three.
Who’s your favorite Princetonian, living or dead, real or fictional? Goku from Dragon Ball Z. He’s a Princeton alum in many Dragon Ball fanfictions, which we hold as canonical.
What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in Princeton? One of us once distracted Nancy Malkiel and gulped down several spoonfuls of some clam chowder she was eating.
Why are you posting such intensely fonted posters? It is inexplicably acceptable at Princeton to procrastinate on papers, then wail and moan on Facebook as you pull an all-nighter and produce some half-assed essays on Dean’s Date Eve. We somehow find a perverse sense of camaraderie in this self-destructive tradition, punctuating it with fanfare and pageantry and silent discos. Our posters are meant to encourage skepticism about a culture in which we all act as if we’re all academic martyrs crucified on the amount of work we have to do, when we nailed ourselves there in the first place. We all have work. We all have time to do it right. It’s hard, but complaining makes it worse. It’s a privilege to have the education we do, one that hundreds of thousands of applicants wanted and were denied. Acting as if Princeton is pulling us through school by our hair disrespects that privilege and lowers the quality of the work that we do. If we saw Dean’s Date work and exams as challenges to be met rather than curses to be endured, we would write better papers, score higher on exams, and live happier, less stressful lives. If inculcating that kind of living takes some aggressive words in Impact font, so be it.
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day? Acquire currency and the hatred of the entire Princeton student body.
What is your greatest guilty pleasure?
Snarky answers to journalists’ questions.
Who is “sponsoring” your posters? Microsoft and Mr. Pibb.
What is your relationship like with the font IMPACT? Monogamous.
What’s hanging above your desk and/or bed?
The last reporter who divulged our identity.
What is your biggest fear?
An unwritten paper. Also, spiders.
What would you do if you were on the Presidential Search Committee? Install the dictator android ENLIGHTENED DES-BOT and enjoy a thousand years of peace.
Like you, we were so caught up in the post-Dean’s Date rush we forgot to actually finish the blog. We sincerely hope you had better things to do last night than ponder our disappearance.
At this point, there’s not much left to say except congrats: you’ve conquered the monster once again. In celebration, a look back, courtesy of some Dean’s Date all-stars last spring.
4:00PM- Heading over the McCosh courtyard
Free giveaways (yeah right, I’ve never gotten one). Food. Fun. Jeff Nunokawa. Be there. Ciao.
3:20 – Classroom in Lewis (yup, snagged it)
In the spirit of the two most motivational things on the planet (cute animals and the promise of sleep, obviously), I bring you a message from Shironeko, the world’s most relaxed cat:
YOU CAN DO IT! And in less than two hours, you too can pass out amongst more alert friends.
2:41 PM- The Wa
We Princetonians often have terrible eating habits—no real surprise there. I just chatted with Lominy who worked at The Wa from 1-9:30 p.m. yesterday. Check out what he had to say:
Did you notice Princeton students buying a lot of food last night?
They buy a lot of stuff. They eat a lot, too. With the sandwiches, they put a lot of ingredients on…. They ask for like all kinds of peppers or all kinds of condiments. It makes our job harder because everything just falls apart.
Did you get grossed out?
Was this just last night?
No, almost every day.
You are what you eat?
My roommate’s stack of books, piled precariously high on top of our mini-fridge for the past week, has still not fallen.
Titles of note: “Hamas and Suicide Terrorism”
“The New Oxford Annotated Bible”
“Inside Al-Qaida and the Taliban”
“The Historical Figure of Jesus”
“Allah, Liberty, and Love: The Courage to Reconcile Faith and Freedom”
Warning: more violence and innuendo than you’d expect from inanimate household products.
1:06 PM – Somewhere in the depths of Firestone
“Having caffeine in you is like being drunk but also smart. Drunk-smart. You know what I mean? It’s like being drunk off your own intelligence.”
Optimism or insanity?
Speaking of which, it is likely that somewhere in the last 24 hours your computer screens have started to look a little less like that Word doc, and a little more like this.
T minus 4 hours !!
12:52 p.m.-Forbes Library
Just woke up from a glorious 2 hour nap after sending in my paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For all of you still typing away, here’s a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood blogger. DON’T DO THIS:
12:37 pm — Chancellor Green
There’s no shame in procrastination, unless of course your Dean’s Date paper actually is going to save us all from the apocalypse or cure cancer.
But for the rest of you, if judgmental glances from the guy sitting next to you are keeping you from enjoying lemon baby, sleeping kittens & the like, try stealth procrastinating with Vanishd, which lets you browse behind a Word document, PowerPoint, or other innocent cover. Note: try not to laugh out loud at what appears to be a blank Excel spreadsheet, then we’ll just think you’re crazy.
12:04 pm — Wallace Library
The key to the last 5 hours of Dean’s Date is tricking yourself into thinking that what you’re doing actually matters. That you’re on a really important mission. A mission far more important than getting a passing grade (or, let’s be real, turning in the paper.)
So go ahead and pretend that your lab report is about the next apocalyptic strain of influenza. Have you just spent the last thirty hours coding? You’re saving the world from Skynet, even if no one knows it yet. If you don’t finish that Gender Studies paper, a sloth somewhere dies. Raise the stakes!
To that end, some epic songs to get you going.
12:00 PM- Still…floor.
I love sloths.
11:50 AM – Whitman Library
At this point, everyone on campus looks like they’re about right here (ripped from a real essay):
While I’m posting, I may as well give the U-Store some love for the delicious iced tea and high-strength cough syrup they sold me last night. A plug for the store that serves all purposes, straight from their post in the aforementioned Prince article’s comments section (i.e. the early action piece). Caption credit goes to Nick Martin: “amidst a sea of diatribes against low admissions rates and reverse racism, the u-store gets in some quality ad time.”
Who needs caffeine when you can have an endless supply of encouraging compliments?
fav: They should name an ice cream flavor after you
10:58 AM – My bed…sort of
On the topic of babies (is it bad that lemon baby feels like it just happened?), don’t you wish you could hold up under pressure as well as this one?
Andrew Bird is the best soundtrack. He’s a sort of funky-indie instrumentalist with some vocals, a little blue-grassy, and most of all, chill Andrew Bird channel
10:35 AM – AMAZED AT RUBE GOLDBERG
STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Watch this. I kid you not, it’s the best 2 minutes you’ll ever waste:
For anyone trying to read a textbook at breakfast and eat at the same time, this is ABSOLUTELY necessary, unless you need to turn more than one page. (Just get me a hamster, don’t ask questions.)
10:27 a.m. – OIT
Last night’s slushy downpour seemed a depressingly appropriate soundtrack for our collective mindset. And though the forecast today is still looking pretty bleak (literally, below, and figuratively), all our favorite caffeine refueling stations are open and there are still six and a half hours to hit those page limits. We just might pull this off.
Unless, of course, you’re one of the three people who came into the tech clinic with computers that won’t even turn on.
See? It could be much, much worse.
10:18 a.m. – edge of delirium
Good morning! (although I’m guessing it’s not) Oh what a lovely day for… finishing your papers in a dark cave.
9:53 AM – still stuck between Adrienne Rich and Gayle Rubin
Like the seventh Harry Potter movie, we’ve decided this blog is so massive that it requires a second installment. AND NOW FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION.
Is it just me, or is every conversation I have from now until Intersession some version of this?
Also, the sun is coming up at 7:19 am, which is about an hour and 20 minutes away. So those are two things you should be keeping in mind at this hour.
5:36 AM: In room… so… close… to… bed…
It’s the worst of times that brings people together. (Ignore the cheesiness of that line, it’s late… I mean, early?)
The point is, I let a girl at the Writing Center have some of the food my friend had brought down from the Whitman breakfast. In return, she spent nearly an hour reading my essay and helping me restructure it.
So thank you, Sarah Pak ’15! There aren’t enough blue-sprinkled whale cookies to express my gratitude.
Also, she reminded me that there are far more scarier things than 5 p.m… like Mitt the Ripper.
3:47AM-2D Dining Room
Oh hey. Here’s that online game you didn’t know you wanted to play.
Have fun! I’m glad you finished all your work and have time to play games, and that’s why you’re awake and reading this blog at 4 am.
3:47AM-Edwards, but of course
So the kid across from you has fallen – and not, gracefully, at that. He’s slumped forward on the wooden desk, face planted into keyboard (those facial dents…yikes) and lips squashed so un-becomingly in polar directions. You spot an ever-growing drool pool…
It’s that time now when the ranks start to thin. Weaker souls, perhaps, but you’re not an entirely unsympathetic peer – oh, no, not at all. In fact, you think to yourself that this poor soul could use a little something that would make him more comfortable or at least save a bit of dignity. “How,” you muse, “can I be of service to this young man?”
Enter: The Ostrich Pocket Nap Pillow. Designed in 2011 by the European company Kawamura Ganjavian, this pillow provides a bit of privacy and a whoooole lot of comfort. Sure, it looks silly, but at least the user can hide his face from curious onlookers.
From the website: “OSTRICH offers a micro environment in which to take a warm and comfortable power nap at ease. It is neither a pillow nor a cushion, nor a bed, nor a garment, but a bit of each at the same time. Its soothing cave-like interior shelters and isolates our head and hands (mind, senses and body) for a few minutes, without needing to leave our desk.”
There’s some pretty wacky things out in the market, but this looks pretty tempting at the moment…doesn’t it?
Firestone, why did you close at 1:45 when we all thought we had until 2am? Not that it would have made much difference…
Newest preferred method of exercise: Racing, zig-zag style, through the stacks on the third floor of Firestone. Just make sure security doesn’t see you or they’ll stare you down.
2:39 AM – Still in Edwards basement, keeping warm by the laundry machines…
Oh HEY Triangle Drag Dean’s Date Fairies! Yeah, we saw you making rounds by Wu several hours ago…are you guys still around? Candy, back rubs, hugs, and extra thick socks would be welcome. You know where to find me.
Thanks to Morgan Young ’15 for the video!
2:30 AM – Little Hall
Dean’s Date’s as good a time as any to fall into a musical fugue state. Last year this time, it was a Clams Casino mixtape, but this time around, I’ve fixated on a single song. “I’m gon [write] homey until my heart stop.” Yes, that old gem has been on repeat for several hours. Although the boundaries of the hours are starting to dissolve — time is taking on a new form, and the more meaningful metric is now the number of iTunes plays (quickly approaching a hundred). Prufrock may have measured his life in coffee spoons; I’ll measure mine in 50 Cent verses.
Let us know about your Dean’s Date tunes. Just in case I decide to change the song.
2:05 AM – 1915 Dorm Room
If you’re cursing your parents for not teaching you Proust when they had the chance, at least they never force-fed you lemons and posted your (adorbs) squirming face on youtube.
Overheard at 2D: “Maybe we should go work outside on the porch, so we don’t fall asleep?”
12:03 AM – Lewis Library
It has recently come to my attention that this photo was posted on Facebook with the caption, “Real thugs don’t sleep.”
This is awkward, because this is actually exactly where I am at the moment, and I have personally consumed the contents of two of the Small World coffee cups.
We have turned around and met our paparazzi. I have to say that I’m flattered. This is the first time I have ever been called a thug.
11:15PM – Patton Hall Basement
Awash in dreams of a post-Dean’s Date universe with rainbows and kittens and puppy dogs and sunshine? (And maaaaybe a little sleep, after which sentences like that would surely never occur?)
After 5pm tomorrow, I plan to be reincarnated as this British girl, who suffers from a rare, undiagnosed ailment that makes her sleep for weeks at a time. NEW. LIFE. GOAL.
(Props to Ann-Marie Elvin for the link)
10:47PM – Firestone Lobby
If you’re holed up outside the library, you missed an excellent, 10+ minute performance by the Princeton University Band. I wish I knew their route so I could tell you where they’re headed next, but I’m sure that the blasting tubas and banging drums will alert you of their presence. In case you have you have your own music turned up so loud that you missed them—but are sad about that—I’ve got a short clip for you here:
Cramming fifty pages worth of essay into twenty-four hours may sour the Princeton experience a little bit, but let’s not forget how lucky we are to be here. On that note, it’s worth checking out the Prince’s early action article—not for the article itself, but rather for its 160+ comments. Some are thought provoking, some are comical, some are genuinely absurd, but all (okay, most) are entertaining in one way or another.
A short preview:
“I [sic] just sucks that you work so hard compared to other people who play xbox while you study calculus.” –Deferred student
“what did I do wrong? screw this racist university” –Fellow deferred student
“No[, Princeton is not racist]. I have an asian friend here with a 2000.” –Current student
9:45 PM- Patton Hall
Fact: the discovery of FREE PASTRIES AND SMALL WORLD COFFEE (and spiffy free orange and black mugs, though they’re probably out of those by now) at Wu/Wilcox made me dance like this guy. Quite a sight to be seen, let me tell you!
Wu’s open til 11p, so stop by for some quality caffeination…because Dean’s Date Eve is no excuse to stop being a coffee snob, after all!
The collected purchases from a late meal/C-store run. Fuel for the night, though I’m sure this supply will run out soon.
If you’re looking to get sushi at late meal, don’t: they were out a while ago
9:20 p.m. – U-Store
Bottoms up Princeton!
9:01- Forbes library
Text from a lonely and desperate friend in one of Forbes’ study rooms. She needs to work on her come-hither messages.
I’m so alone…..
But that’s probs a good thing
I keep smelling vinegar…..
Stress heightens your senses?
8:59 p.m.—Writing Center
At 10, Forbes is going to have its Forbes Freakout. You’ve probably never heard of it. That’s because it’s more exclusive than the Whitman midnight breakfast. We’re going to burn drafts of our Dean’s Date papers on the terrace and then trash the golf course.
Hey Whitman Whales,
8:26- Wu Dining Hall
While I can’t speak for Forbesians, those at Wu tonight have the option of making smart Dean’s Date choices.
In order to optimize studying efficiency, this is what your plate should look like at dinner (according to Livestrong.com):
But I’m not going to lie, mine was something more along the lines of this:
We’ll have to see what kind of stamina this provides. Though on a night like tonight I think we all are in need of a few lucky charms…
8:08 PM – cyberspace
Facts of procrastination in flowchart form:
[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="574" caption="Click for larger image."][/caption]
Other Flowcharts that I find amusing (this is a sick obsession and I need to stop before I lose another hour of my life):
I know Dean’s Date is making me lose my mind, but was it just me, or did Forbes serve purple potatoes for dinner tonight?
7:47 PM – Wilcox
Spotted upstairs in Wilcox. The room is, of course, occupied by a few fratters.
7:24 PM- Frist Gallery
This just might be a record. Two hours in, and PrincetonFML is down. Guess you’re all just going to have to hang out here…
7:17 PM- Writing Center, Whitman
12 spots on the Writing Center sign up sheet which went up exactly at 7pm. The crowd waits ready to pounce like the line outside of Best Buy on Black Friday.
Thanks to KD ’12 for the pics and tip!
6:40 PM-Firestone, 3rd Floor
Mass-exodus to dinner. Computers, textbooks and notebooks stay out, laying claim to all available flat surfaces like chairs do in rare parking spots on snowy days.
5:45 PM- Forbes basement
When you can’t find an empty study room, you make your own. Props to whoever took the initiative to carry the extra desk and chairs from the study room into the Forbes dance studio. Extra points for decorating their space with empty ramen cups, goods from Wawa, and a comfy recliner.
5:14 PM — my room (intentionally lowercased like bell hooks. #GSS reference)
Another Dean’s Date, another of year of broken promises of time management; reading period always feels so long, until it isn’t. Now there are exactly 24 hours until the hour of reckoning. As per biannual tradition, The Ink will be up all night, feeding you distracting and nourishing nuggets of reporting and commentary at irregular intervals, all the way to the finish line. Check back often. Check back whenever you feel like your sleepless brain has turned to slurry. Check back whenever your caffeine-induced clarity finally fades away. Check back whenever you feel like you can’t write anymore. Check back whenever you feel you could probably write a little more, but would rather hear about how I can’t write anymore before going back and writing a little more.
Raw and honest dispatches from a campus collectively descending into delirium. Frontline reporting at its finest — we’ve got papers and problem sets too, and we’re putting them on the line for your sake. Press Club in the [procrasti]nation’s service, and in the service of all [procrasti]nations.
In the wake of the procrastination extravaganza that was the Dean’s Date Liveblog, we here at The Ink feel a little guilty about our unintentional, but, we fear, effective, complicity in achieving the grade deflation quotas.
There's a reason the logo is orange.
Sadly, we can’t do much to help you out with that orgo final. But we can help you bone up on your Princeton knowledge, and maybe rekindle the trivia love that got us on Sporcle’s top 25 colleges last semester.
1) How many pizzas were consumed at the dodgeball tournament? How many free t-shirts?
2) What’s the farthest spot from campus Princeton’s flag flies?
3) The first Ivy Leaguers to make the cover of Sports Illustrated were from Princeton. Which team took the honor, and in what year?
4) Which Princeton building lent its name to a chemical reaction?
5) What hidden message is embedded in the bricks of the computer science building?
Or maybe the bricks are just slowly falling out?
6) The statues outside Nassau Hall weren’t always tigers. Who brought them to campus, and what did they replace?
7) When was the last Cannon Green bonfire? When will it happen again?
Have any tips for us? Drop us a line at email@example.com
5:00pm– It’s done!
Paper turned in with 9 minutes to spare.
If we’re on the topic of cute sloths, then here is a video of one that fell out of a tree next to my friend while in the rainforest in Panama this semester. Turn on the volume to hear him talk to the sloth and make sure to keep watching till the sloth starts climbing the ladder. (Hopefully you will have more persistence as you finish up your papers than this sloth did climbing a ladder — good luck! You’re almost there!!)
Yes, this is what EEB students do when studying abroad while we take classes at Princeton.
3:48pm–Cute animal time
Ah! So. Thus far we’ve brought you kitties, more kitties and Howard Dean.
Now onto other phylogenic species, courtesy of Youtube:
3:18 pm — Nap time
Humans are the only animals that willingly deprive themselves of sleep, says Eve Van Cauter, a sleep researcher at the University of Chicago. “You cannot put a rat in front of the television, give him the remote and tell him, ‘you have to stay awake,’” she says.
3:15 pm – Green library at its most crowded and stuffy
Ok, so the witching hour is approaching – almost there! – and you, like me, may be starting to feel that combination of desperation and delirium that makes bad ideas sound really really solid. In case you’re in the market for some inspiringly bad ideas: http://shitmystudentswrite.tumblr.com/
Also, this. It may not give you paper ideas, but it’s worth it.
2:15 pm – Also in bed (ahem.. different one)
What I’d rather be doing:
Just like to point out, at around 4:25: slender Homer man looks back, and…keeps going.
1:55pm – Still in bed.
If I had the time/smarts to actually run some data analyses on the past few semesters of Dean’s Date Liveblogs, this would be more accurate. But from just browsing years past this is the sense I get:
While waiting for a draft by the Frist 200 level printers, I was staring off into space because, well, it’s been a long night, when something straight out of Jaws interrupted my print queue reverie. Yes, that would be the giant shark hanging just beyond the glass. You’ve probably seen it before – let’s be honest, it’s kind of hard to miss – but if you’re like me, you never really stopped to ponder precisely why a twelve-foot, 300-pound, fiberglass shark is dangling from aircraft cables, waiting to terrify unsuspecting passers-by.
So naturally, because it’s not like I have a paper to write or anything, I made a couple phone calls. Jaws Jr. is actually a tiger shark (it all makes sense now, right?), brought to Frist by Assistant Vice President of University Services Paul Breitman. When Frist first opened in 2002, Breitman was the director, and he and fellow Princetonian JP Miller were in charge of the new campus center’s décor.
“We had a sabertooth tiger, tiger lilies, and we wanted to see how far we could take the ‘tiger’ theme,” Breitman said. Obviously, tiger shark was next on the list.
Where does one get a 300-pound shark? Miller was vacationing in Florida when he found a shop that sold replica fish. $2,500 later, the shark was on its way to Princeton.
“We hung it so you might see it glancing up from the first floor, and just around the corner on the second so it would jump out at you as you walk by,” Breitman said. “It’s the whole idea of serendipity at Frist – you always know you’ll find people there, and there’s always something happening.”
So much meaning in a fiberglass fish. But on a more serious note, he (she?) needs a name … leave suggestions in the comments.
11:50 AM – At my desk
In honor of all the Dean’s Date screaming that happened last midnight, I present to you another Dean’s scream:
Holder may Howl and Whitman may Whail, but nothing quite beat’s Howard Dean’s “Byahhhhh!!!” Also the remix in this video: gold.
11:03 AM – Panic
I woke up half an hour ago to my roommate’s voice, “Do you need time to finish? Hello? Didn’t you have another paper?”
Thank God for her, but right now I’m freaking out a little bit, and by that I mean A LOT. So what am I doing on the liveblog, you ask? I don’t know. Deriving some kind of twisted pleasure from chopping away even more at the little time I have before the deadline. Feeling bad that our technical difficulties prevented us from posting more last night. Wishing that I could just print out my paper and indulge in the simple joy of ripping it into a million pieces…
Godspeed to everyone, and if you managed to snag some of those 5 a.m. surprise pancakes, I’m jealous. I should have stayed up. FML.
10:43 AM – Third floor of Frist
Dear piano player down on the first floor of Frist pounding out some angsty concerto: EVERYONE IN THIS BUILDING HATES YOU. Sound travels, kid. Play out all that Dean’s Date aggression in a practice room somewhere.
10:18 AM – Mathey Dining Hall
Wondering what you’ve been doing for the past 10 hours? Let me introduce you to a new term, ‘baxtrapolate.’
Verb: Derive requirements from a predetermined solution; make shit up.
You were working in Frist a few hours ago. I was sitting near you. You claimed you saw not one, but TWO mice scamper along the walls/chairs. Everyone around you said you were crazy and going insane from Dean’s Date work and that you should go to bed.
I want to tell you. I just saw a mouse. It was small and brown and darted out from under my seat.
YOU HAVE BEEN VINDICATED.
Or maybe… I’m going crazy too. AHHHH…
4:55 AM – Back at the dorm
Oh, we’re halfway there…
With 12 hours to go, it’s been awhile since we’ve added anything to your playlist. Added bonus: the video is definitely appropriately bizarre for this early morning hour.
4:05 AM– And we’re back!
For those of you who are still awake, you may have noticed we were having some technical difficulties. It’s going to be okay. We have returned from the Twilight Zone.
I’m claiming credit for resurrecting this blog. #selfimportance.
2:02 AM — Amidst the Disappointed Crowds of Frist A-Level
When I arrived at the Frist free food table ten minutes ago, expectant and hungry, I thought I’d be ahead of most other people. What did I see?
a.) A table laid with a bunch of heartbreakingly empty plates. I’m talking squeaky clean. Not a crumb to be seen.
Apparently the 2 a.m. hunger swarm hit early tonight. One bystander said that the Frist people had put out hot dogs and chips around 1:40 – “Everything was gone in, like, four minutes.”
Other kids were talking about heading to Studio ’34 in Butler. Some crowd members were already streaming towards the C-store.
1:59 AM Three Hours Later…
SG introduced us to the sleepy kitten at 10:53 pm. Let’s just keep up the kitten theme, tonight–let me introduce you to the sleeping kitten.
Just like the guy sitting next to you at McGraw. Completely asleep, surrounded by books …kind of cute? Sorry, that’s the Dean’s Date Goggles talking. Back to work with you!
1:51 AM: Ode to the Vault
Earlier tonight, AW clued you in to the more conventional caffeinated campus options. But now that we’re rapidly approaching the witching hour, it’s time to share the greatest carbonated secret Princeton holds:
Roommate Steve, who dedicated Ink readers may recall from blog posts past, once crunched the numbers on this stuff and figured out it was something like four times more caffeine per dollar versus Red Bull. In my younger, more impressionable underclassmen days this bright green elixir in a textured, ergonomic bottle got me through many a late night (and more than one Dean’s Date). And there’s something fun about the randomness of the beverage, like you unlocked some sort of secret caffeine cheat code. As far as I know, this citrus soda-cum-energy drink is only available in the vending machines in Holder. And so, repetitive as it may seem, I suggest you retrace your steps howl-wards — trust me, you won’t regret it.
1:42 AM: Hey Princeton!!! 1 am U-Store Edition
Hey girl clutching three bottles of Fuze, cheese, and crackers! Who are those drinks for?
They’re to get me through the night. I’ve been drinking caffeine all day, so I wanted to get something healthier. How much work do you have left?
I have one paper to write, two to edit.
That’s not too bad! When are you going to sleep?
I’m…not going to sleep.
Hey guy at the microwave! What are you getting tonight?
Caffeine and this weird rice stuff that I got over there.
How much caffeine have you had already?
About 2 equivalent standard cups.
So is this your Dean’s Date Dinner?
It’s breakfast, because I skipped breakfast today.
OK. You’re replacing your breakfast with dinner. So it’s just like, your third meal of the day.
Yeah. I guess it’s a dinner?
Like a late–
Late, late dinner.
It’s a portion of food for the arbitrary need of humans to eat in cycles.
Hey girl holding lots of pens! Are those for your frantic paper writing?
I don’t have any Dean’s Date papers. But I’m studying for finals.
Oh. Do you feel left out?
I think I’ve got enough finals to make up for it.
Hey girl buying candy! What’s that in your hand?
A [coffee-flavored] Monster. I actually wanted the Illy, but they ran out of it. So I’m getting this.
It looks like poison.
Yeah. I need to stay up.
1:35 AM: Almost asleep …
You know that you really, really don’t want to start studying for Molecular Biology when the back of the Tide bottle seems interesting.
[caption id="attachment_10636" align="alignnone" width="247" caption="Is "sudsing" a real word?"][/caption]
But, really, why do you need high efficiency detergent?
Since HE washers work differently, they require a specially designed detergent like Tide HE
-using traditional detergent in an HE washer can cause excess suds. Excess suds could lead to washer problems. And just using a smaller dose won’t solve the problem. Tide HE is a special low-sudsing formula. Only the use of an HE detergent ensures the proper performance of your washer.
-since HE washers use less water to clean, the washer is dirtier. Tide HE has special dirt-capturing ingredients to suspend dirt and dyes in the water, which helps keep them from redepositing on your clean laundry.
Hm. Good to know. At this point, I’m starting to believe that all humans are basically robots —and thus basically washers and driers— and so I must ask: where’s my high efficiency caffeinated detergent to put into my high efficiency brain with a minimum of suds? Maybe it’s in this fruit.
– (a very sleepy) LRW
1:19 AM — LGBT Center
The famed Dean’s Date Fairies are in the LGBT Center’s Rainbow Lounge. There is a joke in here somewhere.
[caption id="attachment_10631" align="aligncenter" width="361" caption="Candy from strangers is only a good idea on Dean's Date."][/caption]
12:58 AM — Frist
Several people close to me have received troubling text messages from someone who will be known only as P ’14. This freshman appears to be descending into madness as we speak, and his messages serve as a window into his fragile psyche. I have transcribed them below. Be warned, what you are about to read may disturb you:
It is the german working spirit which is however nothing but bad air, but a smelly furt, in my nostrils right now. – 12:08 AM
Sanity is for the masses. My ego is unfolding into the limitless, my will strays into the infinite. I am a fatality. I am exaggerated lonliness. Ben, where are you? Luther has betrayed us! – 12:17 AM
Life is an artistic show. You know it! “when socrates and plato started talking abou truth and justice they were not greeks any longer, but jews” – 12:22 AM
Don’t be scared my friend. The romans submitted to the authority of greek thought but we won’t. We wont. Our eyes are undistorted by tradition. They are washed clear by tears. We no longer have to listen to the poetry of the dead. We no longer need to wear the costumes of the dead. 46 hypes on lookbook! Hello modernity! – 12:27 AM
Yes i am dying an agonizing death upon the cross of thought – 12:57 AM
These bizarre ravings were entirely unprompted. They were responses to basic requests, such as “come to frist bro” or “just come [name redacted] you need help”. We at The Ink pray for his well-being, and can only hope that P’14 manages to regain his sanity by 5 PM.
12:37 AM– Whitman Whailed
Holder, meet your match (wailing starts at around 0:19).
I called her shortly before she was heading to bed to talk artistic inspiration and advice for staying awake. Excerpts from our conversation appear below:
SG: Tell me about this project.
KH: I was at dinner with a friend in Wilcox and I said the words, ‘Everybody’s looking forward to the summer.’ It made me think immediately of the Rebecca Black song, and I thought, ‘Dean’s Date, Dean’s Date.’ I began working on lyrics and finally the video.
SG: So this was last week?
KH: Yup. I was procrastinating during Reading Period working on this.
SG: What does your Dean’s Date workload look like and how much progress have you made?
KH: I’m pretty on top of things. Right now I have to finish a 2 page response, then I’m going to bed.
SG: Lucky you. Any words of advice to your not-so-fortunate peers?
KH: One of the best ways to stay awake is to listen to obnoxious music over and over…
SG: Um…does your song count?
KH: Rebecca Black might be a good way to go.
11:52 – En route to Frist
Spotted on Alexander Green:
Princeton sophomore bounding along the sidewalk on a late-night run, sans shoes.
Fellow tigers, I fear for our collective sanity. It’s not yet midnight and we’re already starting to see the crazy coming out. If you find your own mind slipping, here’s some advice from Allen Ginsberg:
“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.”
Or maybe just stick to laying off the caffeine pills/getting some sleep.
11:31 pm — Still Youtube!!!
You knew it was coming. I’ve been hearing “Dean’s Date, Dean’s Date” jokes all day.
We found this Rebecca Black parody on Youtube–and we’ll have more from its creators soon.
Three a.m., still awake in the morning
Chillin’ in Frist, Gonna take another shot
Five hours of energy: still not enough
Just dozed off, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Look at who’s asleep in McGraw
Gotta get this done, I see my friends
11:22 pm — Youtube!!!
See the band do a fist-pumping New Jersey tribal ritual get ready to rush into Firestone earlier tonight, at Blair Arch.
10:53 PM — Mendel Music Library, Woolworth
Everyone in this library looks remarkably like this kitten…I can’t find a single person who isn’t struggling not to fall asleep sitting up. Incidentally, the song in the video is by lovely Princeton local (and Princeton’s Lewis Center staff member!) Sarah Donner. (True or false: I might have gone to a computer cluster expressly to watch said video because my WORTHLESS LAPTOP has YouTube blocked via SelfControl until 3am. The things we do for the love of procrastination!) ~JMB
10:52 PM — Edwards
More music suggestions for your Dean’s Date Eve: art director Brian Gossett, who made the beloved Take Ivy mixes (Ivy League-themed playlists! Something to listen to while wandering around Princeton landmarks!) has a lot more playlists at his blog, Since78.
I’m hitting that spot where I just can’t keep focus on my paper. I call this writer’s A.D.D. I’m hyperaware of everything around me. Someone makes a comment on late meal ending or the basketball game outside or how the room is kind of hot, and I’m distracted for twenty minutes. I keep retyping the same words over and over. Like I start a sentence, and then I erase it and start again, and then I press backspace and start again, and then I start again, and again, and then —
Yeah. Anyway. For anyone suffering from similar symptoms, I’ve found the ultimate solution. Check out this goldmine of mashups! Hit play on the streampad bar at the bottom of the screen and relegate all your A.D.D. tendencies to the magic of jumping from Adele to Jay-Z to Lady Gaga to Britney every 15 seconds or so. I swear it works. Let your ears do all the distraction action. Settle in. Groove. And watch your word count grow.
1o:39 PM — Frist
Anonymous commenter asks for music suggestions. Right now it seems like I’m tending far more carefully to my iTunes queue than to my papers, so I might as well help out. I prefer instrumental stuff when I’m slaving away at papers — no words to distract you from the words you’re supposed to be putting on the page — so I’m currently getting a lot of mileage of Clams Casino. He’s the mastermind behind some of Lil B’s finest beats. Got this huge, watery sound that puts me in the zone; you can (legally) snag the whole mixtape here.
(EDIT: A previous version of this post stupidly attributed Lil Wayne’s “A Milli” to Clams Casino, which is obviously false, because that was all Bangladesh. Dean’s Date must be addling my brain — what I meant to say is Soulja Boy’s “2Milli.” Slightly less impressive, yes. But dude is still arguably the architect of the entire “based” sound, so I’m not complaining.)
10:14 PM – Firestone
Spotted: the Band brings a rowdy rendition of 99 Luftballoons to Firestone Lobby. (Thanks to AW for the heads-up!) ~JMB
10:07 PM – 1937 Hall
Aaaaand the children of Wilson/Frist get their ears played off by the Band. Lovely. How is it possible that the Marching Band manages to penetrate EVERY SINGLE study space it’s possible to use for dean’s date? No matter how much I try to burrow into a panic-stricken paper-writing cocoon, they will ALWAYS find me. And will then proceed to make my brain pound more than it already does on a lovely combo of caffeine pills and Dayquil. ~JMB
10:00 pm – En route to Firestone
The Princeton University band began playing at Frist at 9:45 pm, interrupting a crowd of 60 some students watching the Celtics vs Heat game in the TV lounge (surely there are some things that can tear us away from our work!). They passed Marquand, and are on route to Firestone.
Quick poll: PU Band – A rowdy distraction, or welcome study break?
Why is it that thumb-ups (or thumbs-ups? Thumbs-up?) are so comforting?
9:35 PM – Blair
[caption id="attachment_10586" align="alignleft" width="250" caption="Because it's never too early for Cute Overload"][/caption]
It’s always a dilemma, sleep on Dean’s Date. All-nighter? Get a blasphemous eight hours in the hopes that even if you write less, it will actually make sense?
According to one tipster, the real Dean’s Date rockstars know the only way to go is pulling an all-nighter on Sunday and shifting your sleep schedule so being nocturnal tonight feels normal. We applaud the dedication and serious strategizing, but we sorta wish she would have filled us in earlier…maybe next year?
9:20PM – on Facebook
File this post under “More Ways To Procrastinate”: If Famous People Had Facebook.
If you’re one of those people with self-control who deleted their Facebooks (and are reading the liveblog!?), don’t worry, we’re bringing the (fake) Facebook to you:
[caption id="attachment_10582" align="aligncenter" width="445" caption="EDIT: An even better preview."][/caption]
And the rest of us Princetonians can get a kick out of Harry Potter and other Hogwarts profiles.
8:50 PM – Hot Spots Everywhere
Overheard in Frist: “My advice for pulling an all-nighter? Know your poisons. Get coffee, candy, whatever you need to stay awake. That, and willpower.”
In honor of such ingestible advice, The Ink has compiled a helpful list of on-campus convenience stores – be sure to stock up on brain food before they close!
Witherspoon Café in Frist – 12:00 AM
Café Viv – 12:00 AM
Studio 34 – 3:30 AM
U-Store – 4:00 AM
C-Store – 2:00 AM
Wawa – Open 24/7
8:37 PM — Small World Coffee
Caffeine is the theme of the hour–probably because a cup of coffee now will keep you thinking (and hopefully typing) till about 2 am.
Some fun caffeine facts:
Your liver is the primary caffeine-processing organ.
Caffeine has a pretty short half-life–it takes about 5 to 7 hours for your body to eliminate half of it.
The British drink 196,000,000 cups of tea a day.
Caffeine works by tricking your body into thinking it’s not tired. When your body is tired, you release adenosine–caffeine works to block adenosine receptors, so you never get the message.
Top sources of caffeine in the U.S., in order: coffee, soda, tea, chocolate.
If you’re looking for a quiet place to simultaneously write and caffeinate, head down to Small World, where according to the baristas, one poor soul ordered a four-shot iced joe this evening. The place is practically empty.
Going off of LZ’s friendly tip for caffeine access optimization, don’t forget the announcement we got in our inboxes this morning:
[caption id="attachment_10571" align="aligncenter" width="515" caption="I thank the gods of Red Bull for this Dean's Date gift."][/caption]
Yesss, the U-store knows what we want need.
7:51 PM — USG Office
If you’re going to be writing into the wee hours of the morning, it’s time to start planning your optimal caffeine strategy. Luckily, the USG is one step ahead and stocked up on free coffee to keep you going all night long – if you don’t see your favorite flavor, check the drawer on the upper left.
You can thank me later.
7:41 PM — The Post-Dinner Procrastination Hour
What? You’re already looking for something to do that’s not your Politics paper? OK. Along with intense investigative reporting from Dean’s Date hotspots, we’ll be giving you tools for procrastination throughout the night.
Start with this website. I don’t know what this is, but I think you’ll love it. Directions: click squares and make music. (Though there is a method to the madness!) Start it now–you’ll need these trippy tunes in that 30 minutes before the birds start chirping, so you might as well start making music now.
7:33 PM — having Chametz
A late shoutout to the Passover crowd and The Lonely Island fans (TURTLENECK & CHAIN, Lonely Island’s new album, comes out TOMORROW! Get ready for more Andy Samberg.)
[caption id="attachment_10558" align="aligncenter" width="412" caption="As if I'm going to be sleeping in it tonight..."][/caption]
Folding the heaps of laundry on my bed. (It’s good to know that I’ve found more productive ways to procrastinate than CollegeProblems.)
5:oo PM — My room
You’re looking tired. So are we — this little blog post is nothing if not a gesture of solidarity. As per tradition, we here at The Ink are about to chronicle the madness that’s going to ensue over the 24 hours, serving up our usual mix of objective observations, bleary-eyed musings, (attempts at) humor, and the occasional dose of random amusing Internet fare. Oh, and we’ll be writing our papers, too, but journalistic duty comes first.
Though you probably didn’t need a new form of procrastination, our liveblog should have special appeal. Aside from Facebook (which, for your sake, should be SelfControlled into oblivion by now) or Princeton FML (which descends into all kinds of inanity on this day), we’re the only people on the Internet experiencing the same misery that you are — and in real time, no less. This is frontline reporting, or the closest thing to it in the Orange Bubble.
So check in with us periodically, but for now, go scurry off to that soul-crushingly blank Microsoft Word document. I know I’m about to. I wish you way more than luck.
Check out all that cretin ivy (image source: ee.princeton.edu)
Oh, sorry, that’s “New Ways to Procrastinate.” In case you were running out of brief (?) diversions to get you through the upcoming week, or simply looking for new websites to add to your Self Control app, here’s a good one that can keep you going for a while. (If you don’t believe me, just check out today’s Tower Talk e-mails — 49 e-mails later, it’s still funny. Sort of.)
Just type in your name, a friend’s name, perhaps a mortal enemy’s name, and let the little website do its work. What you get out? Hilarious – and often terrifyingly accurate – anagrams of what you put in.
Take, for example, a small controlled experiment done on the site to elicit its true feelings about the Ivies. Inputs of each university’s name yielded the following:
Have you been staring at your textbook for too long? Gazing blindly at your computer at a blank document that is supposed to be an essay? Dreaming about Thanksgiving break? If you want a quick break that you can pretend is studious, look no further: molecular animation! These animated videos of cellular life are super trippy. They may not help you study for your MOL 215 midterm, but perhaps they’ll give you a new-found appreciation for the cell.
This one depicts white blood cells attacking diseases.
[caption id="attachment_5014" align="alignleft" width="250" caption="Our Mod, fighting for our cause (procrastination)"][/caption]
Sure, you might’ve had a rough midterm week; maybe you had a lot riding on those exams and papers. But you were just carrying your own weight. Imagine carrying an even bigger burden on top of that: satisfying the (considerable) procrastination needs of an entire campus.
That week, our noble Princeton FML Moderator faced that daunting task — and didn’t skip a beat. Here’s what s/he had to say about balancing these duties:
Moderating during midterms was kind of hellish, but it was still better than moderating in the days leading up to Dean’s Date. On the Monday of midterms, the site received 1,200 more visitors than it did the day before. Similarly, there were 1,000 less visitors on Friday than there were on Thursday. I couldn’t moderate as often as I would’ve liked to, so a lot of times I ended up just logging in and clicking “Approve All” on the comments, leaving the FMLs for later, because I wanted to make sure they still received the usual amount of attention. You might think moderating during exams is therapeutic, but really, all it does is trick me into thinking I’ve accomplished something. Filing my taxes, updating my resume, and even folding my laundry all have similar effects.
Conscientious, devoted to his/her craft — this is the Mod we know and love. Think about what got you through that week, aside from your exotic cocktail of Red Bull, Wa coffee, and C(?)oke. You may have tried to control yourself, but in the end you were fueled by FMLs. I think I speak for all of us when I say this: Mod, we are eternally grateful for your sacrifice.