Author Archives: Giri Nathan

For someone who makes such a big deal about food, author-turned-activist Jonathan Safran Foer ’99 sure has a fairly low opinion of gustation. I don’t quite agree with his hierarchy:

“Look, taste is clearly the crudest of our senses: this is scientifically, objectively factual. It is less nuanced. Eyesight is extraordinary – hearing, touch. I find people who devote their whole lives to taste a little strange.” He stresses the last words as if this was a vast understatement.

Veggie blues.

Veggie blues.

Perhaps Dining Services weren’t in their finest form in the late ’90s?

Well, a lot of things aren’t quite right about this interview — it all sounds a little detached, a little demure. (He apparently checks his watch constantly and only answers questions in the negative.) Although if I were drinking something “the colour of manure” and considering food only in weighty philosophical terms–”symbols” or “the centre of stories”– I might be sort of down, too.

Cheer up, JSF. And maybe trade your dogma for a hot dog?

(image source: ft.com)

Sarcastic Cat is Sarcastic.

Sarcastic Cat is Sarcastic.

Ever notice how some blogs (ahem) are overwhelmingly, painfully snarky? As in, you wouldn’t feel comfortable approaching the writers, out of fear of becoming their next target– a helpless dartboard for all their incisive criticisms and breezily-tossed epithets? Point is, some bloggers come off sounding like mean dudes, even if they aren’t mean at heart. (And especially if they are.)

Newsweek editor-at-large and Princeton Ferris Journalism Professor-in-Residence Evan Thomas also noticed this phenomenon. He’s seen his fair share. Recently, he visited my Writing Seminar and ended up telling us a little tale of snarkiness and sarcasm– or snarkasm, if you will.

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Emilio Campos ’12 has a first name that sort of sounds like Mario. Therefore, it is only natural that he attire himself in Mario’s iconic red-and-blue duds and take to Frist Campus Center in a rolly-chair, armed with cardboard Koopa shells and banana peels. For the uninitiated, these are the trademark weapons of Mario Kart, the ever-popular Nintendo video game series.

On February 15th (evidently after embarking from an elevator full of poor unsuspecting older women), Campos and a friend rolled gleefully around Frist (with a megaphone, admittedly not part of the traditional Mario arsenal), squealing those classic squeals and blaring that classic soundtrack, lobbing peels and shells with giddy abandon. He did no less than three rounds and filled the room with (at best) smiles and (at worst) grimaces. I was there (see 1:38), I was smiling, and I bravely endured a shell to the face.

But why? Apparently all fresh new sophomore members of Terrace Club have to do some sort of “offering” to the club. I think he chose wisely.

The sketchy Facebook ad — everyone’s favorite source of financial guidance — has risen to splendid new heights of sketchiness. When it’s not advertising Christian/Jewish/Asian singles (variety is the spice of life?), offering jobs for which I am patently unqualified (Diesel technician for CAT dealerships in North Dakota?), or telling me about Alicia Silverstone’s vegan diet (???), it’s giving me scholarship advice! Check out this gem I spotted a few months ago:

scam

1000% Legitimate

Yes, Facebook, you convinced this impressionable pre-frosh. I saw your unsightly, vertically-skewed Princeton crest and I felt nothing but pure, unequivocal trust. I knew this was my school. Despite Princeton’s clearly-stated policy on the issue, I had faith that they were making an exception for me. That they were reaching out to me on a down-to-earth level — on Facebook, because they knew it would be convenient. And as if things couldn’t get any better, they were offering me a free scholarship, obviously a preferable alternative to the plethora of paid scholarships out there.

… but seriously, what kind of scammers pay for this stuff?

computer!

So, rooming is a-looming. And with it, all the requisite Machiavellian maneuvering and general confusion. If you are like me — an uninitiated freshman, with an excuse for not understanding what’s going on — you might find this guide useful. Or, if you are not like me, and are just a forgetful upperclassman, you may also find this useful. Or, if you simply enjoy engaging in predetermined conversation with snarky JPEGs, you too may find this useful (and delightful).

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They are among us.

squirrel nest

Audrey Li ’13 returned to her room after Intercession– only to walk in on this horrific scene, her desk ravaged by the enemy. This is her tale:

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When Ross Ohlendorf ’05 isn’t pitching for the Pittsburgh Pirates, he’s raising longhorn cattle at his family’s ranch. And when Ross Ohlendorf ’05 isn’t raising longhorn cattle at his family’s ranch, he’s interning at the U.S. Department of Agriculture or giving interviews to Sports Illustrated. Ross Ohlendorf ’05 does not mess around. Clearly.

Ohlendorf’s duties (after his morning workout) range from branding to feeding to measuring horns to naming the calves to photographing animals for the ranch’s website. It’s not always pretty, he says while searching for Big Chief: “My arms were covered in manure this morning.”

The Pirates’ ace spent the first two months of his off-season in a very different job, one that smelled a lot better and required him to wear a shirt and tie. He was an intern for the United States Department of Agriculture in Washington.

An ORFE major who rocked the SATs (shoutout to my College Confidential homies) and apparently served up a blistering thesis, Ohlendorf put his skills to the test “doing cost analysis of regulatory programs that identify and trace diseased animals and plants.” What now, A-Rod?

One of the cattle in his herd is named Big Chief. Ross Ohlendorf, you are our Big Chief. Keep juggling your absurd achievements — keep making us proud.

The many faces of Ross Ohlendorf:

All Business

Face #1: All business

Face #2: On the Mound

Face #2: On the mound

Face #3: Down and dirty (Technically his dad, but whatever)

Face #3: Down and dirty (Technically his dad, but whatever)

(image sources: http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/11/28/alg_ohlendorf.jpg, http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2008/03/12/sports/12yankees.span.jpg, and http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/images/200909/20090906wp_ohlendorf_500.jpg.)

Remember this. It could be the last thing you ever see.

Remember this. It could be the last thing you ever see.

If you were looking for some finals week levity, this is not the place to find it.

This is a tale of unadulterated rodent-based terror.

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Note: If I looked like this, I wouldn't be writing papers. I would be eating people.

Note: If I looked like this, I wouldn't have to deal with Dean's Date. I would eat Dean's Date.

Because sometimes you just have to let it out.

To celebrate the coming of Our Glorious People’s Dean’s Date, one sophomore had a raucous proposal.

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Today, when I went to throw out a lollipop wrapper, I was reminded of the day I saw the squirrel chittering peacefully in a pool of blood.

O, the Princeton squirrel.

O, the Princeton Squirrel. (Granted, this one isn't from around here, but it's just as scary)

(Granted, this one isn't actually from Princeton, but it's just as scary)

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[Update 2/7/10: Here's a write-up of the event in the PAW --BKN]

For the first time since 2006, Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel– architect of the ever-popular grade deflation policy– will be gracing the Whig-Clio Senate Debate to defend her brainchild. Hordes of deflatees await their chance to duke it out in a public forum.

Whig Hall Senate Chamber is about to get heated.

And I, your humble Giri Nathan, will be your eyes and ears. Behold.

8:35 PM

100+ students have packed into the chamber like so many dour, grade-deflated sardines. Some of said sardines are attired in snazzy suits. These are the debaters. The battle has yet to begin.

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