2:50 pm – Murray Dodge
If you are looking to waste both time and money, here is a hidden internet gem of Princeton:
COS professor Kevin Wayne offers an extremely thorough review of almost every culinary institution in this great college town of ours. It is an extremely thorough resource, even including reviews of places like the C-Store, a hallmark of fine dining:
Anyway, the link is here.
2:42 pm – BS Section, Firestone
Looking for my last paper source, I came across the BS section of Firestone.
Curious what books warranted this unfortunate call number, I did some investigating. Turns out, it’s one of the least BS-y sections in Firestone: the Bible section.
I was still determined to find BS in the rows of ultra-serious titles.
I thought I found it when I saw the title, Exclusive Inclusivity.
But then I remembered the nature of Princeton’s extracurriculars and realized exclusive inclusivity couldn’t be called complete BS.
Then, I thought I saw a title in Comic Sans on the bottom row.
Upon closer inspection, it wasn’t actually Comic Sans but another bad, elementary school Powerpoint font. Still not verifiable BS though, as the true BS font is Comic Sans.
Finally, I thought I found it in a book titled The Aroma of Righteousness.
That screams BS, right? Then I remembered the scent of French toast last night at 11 pm, and I realized there could be a scent of righteousness: late night breakfast on Dean’s Date Eve.
Now I realize this post is the actual BS.
Let this be a lesson: what appears to be BS may not actually be BS. May your Dean’s Date papers be as BS-less as the BS section of Firestone.
1:45 pm – Firestone
The thesis of my paper is always changing and so are the hottest fashion trends. Coming this fall to lawnparties…
(c/o ZCB ’14)
12:10 pm – My Safari thru campus 4.0
This is a fragile time for everyone. But if anything can help, maybe it’s this list of recent Safari searches that will remind us all that, sometimes, school can’t teach you what you really need to know. Maybe google can. Here’s what a few of our classmates are contemplating less than 5 hours before the deadline:
Amazon’s I Love Dick
Beer for dummies cheat sheet
How to draw a shark
Ate a chilly pepper and can’t feel my face
How do you stop the chili pepper burn
Diarrhea from eating a chili pepper
Arugula piña colada smoothie
What is Dean’s Date?
Keep thinking deeply.
11:10 am – Princeton Public Library (underrated study location)
Dean’s Date is dead & was replaced by a look alike: a conspiracy theory thread
now before some of you come at me with a “this isn’t true” “how can y’all believe this” ITS A CONSPIRACY THEORY.
here’s a picture i made comparing a Dean’s Date from the Orange Key tour guide to Dean’s Date right now
okay yes obviously the world can actually end in the span of a few years but like … just saying
6:52 am – another realm of existence
Good morning, everyone it’s Tuesday morning, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and our papers are written. Mostly. I still haven’t slept.
5:40 am – still in the Wilcox dorms nobody has ever heard about and probably the only person still awake on campus
Self-care is playing those cool pixel games from my childhood at 5:40 in the morning.
4:10 am – back in the Wilcox dorms nobody has ever heard about
Still awake? Lost for words as you type aimlessly in Google Docs? Feeling particularly alone on this fine Tuesday morning? Don’t worry–we’re still awake. Or at least, I am.
Update on Juston the pot-dealer: he’s on 483 words out of 4000.
Relatable, Juston. Relatable.
2:20 am – 1901 Hall (AKA Sunday Funday Central)
“The Princeton class of 1998 set the Guinness World Record for the Largest Gathering of People Wearing Tennis Outfits on June 1st, 2013 with 252 folks fully donned in tennis gear.”
2:07 am – the void of 1937 (both the year and the hall work)
(Disclaimer: the following may or may not be a pot-selling–no, not drug-dealing–advertisement for fellow Zees. Sometimes the capitalistic machine grips you and doesn’t let go. Also these are really cool pots.)
ME: I think my only question is…why?
KATIE SCHNEER, ‘20: We are the messiahs of centripetal motion. Does that represent your feelings as well, Juston?
JUSTON FORTE, ‘20: What?
KS: That we’re the messiahs of centripetal motion.
ME: What represents your feelings, Juston?
JF: Well, there’s nothing else to do, and it’s a good way to procrastinate.[caption id="attachment_19173" align="alignnone" width="640"] Katie, Juston, and their family of pots.[/caption]
ME: How many pots do you guys make a week?
JUSTON: Not many. (Author’s note: I don’t believe this.)
ME: What’s the numerical value for ‘not many’?
KS: I would say–
KS: First semester, I probably made like four, and now I probably make like…half a pot. So like a pot every two weeks.
ME: Is that more pots than the average person?
JF: Most likely.
KS: I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think enough data exists at this time.
ME: Any lasting impressions about pots during your current Princeton career? Any shoutouts for our amazing RCA?
KS: Yeah, David Mazumder ‘17 is amazing.
JF: Spirit of Princeton. Definitely deserves it.
ME: Not saying Wilcox is the best Zee group. (Author’s note: Because journalism is objective.)
KS: Also we sell pots! Hit us up.
ME: I wonder what that pot price is.
KEVIN LIU ‘20: Is it per ounce?
JF: The price depends on how much they value our art.
KS: And then we negotiate from there.
JF: It hinges upon the fact that they have to judge our art and apply a numerical value to it.
KS: First you need to teach them how to appreciate pots.
ME: Can you see your pots in the Princeton art museum in a thousand years when the university has crumbled?
JF: We can. We have to die first though.
KS: No live potters–
JF: –ever get shown in museums.
1:06 am – Despair
We’re all just leeches in a jar…
12:57 am – Rocky Mathey Library
I got one more belated response to “cute texts from your parents.” This one deserves an update of its own:
Thank you for your present presence!
12:44 am – Forbes
While the Holder Howl seemed to have been pretty weak–and the Whitman Wail didn’t even happen–Forbes students have improvised an event to pick up the slack: “the Forbes F*ck.”
According to the organizers of the Forbes F*ck, students gathered behind the Main Inn and shouted “F*ck” at midnight.
Is this the new Dean’s Date tradition to put all other Dean’s Date traditions to shame? Probably not, but it happened.
12:23 AM – Holder Courtyard
Here it is, your 2016-17 Spring Holder Howl:
“I think the Holder Howl is a great Princeton tradition and really helps with my mental health,” Bilal Mubarak ’20 said.
“It sorta sucked though,” he added.
12:15 AM – Whitman Courtyard
It is to my deepest sadness that to report that there was no Whitman whale this midnight. I soon realized this after I was the only one screaming in the courtyard. I also realized that this wasn’t the first time I was screaming by myself in the middle of the night.
12:04 AM – Wilson Courtyard
May I present to you, exclusive footage of the Wilson Whimper–all four people who attended.
12:00 AM- 48 University Place
I have entered the shadow realm.
11:48 pm —On iMessage
An extremely profane Dean’s Date pump-up message is currently circulating around campus via iMessage. The origins of this emoji-laden message is unknown, but the Press Club promises a thorough investigation. Feel free to send any and all tips to us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Here is the message (WARNING: NSFW):
Thanks to CNV ’18 for passing along.
11:10 pm – Mathey Late-Night Breakfast
In honor of the Dean’s Date angst setting in, I asked students what they would title their papers if their professors wouldn’t see them:
“Cash me on the course evaluations, how ’bout dah?” – JJ ’20
“My Bullshit Response to Your Bullshit Prompt” – SK ’20
“The Reason You Don’t Take 4 Seminars in 1 Semester” – MR ’20
“nO, YoU MaKE aN ARGuMeNT abOUT abOUT aN obJEcT oR mONuMeNT oN pRInCEtoN’s CAmpUs!” – AL ’20
In honor of the Spongebob meme:
“Can I Venmo you for an A?” -NA ’20
“I sold my soul to the devil for this” -JC ’20, a little too seriously
“Grades Are a Social Construct” -JJ ’20
And, one that hit a little too close to home:
“When you’re just trying to enjoy your breakfast and this white bitch won’t stop asking you for a Dean’s Date paper title” -EF ’19, AW ’20
:’) Everyone loves to hate the media.
10:11 pm – Spelman Hall
EXCLUSIVE sneak peak at this year’s Valedictorian on Dean’s Date – she let us into her private quarters on the condition that we stick around with tissue paper in case her mask drips.
-MH + AW, your investigative duo on Dean’s Date
9:58pm – Forbes, Forbesia
Hi, it’s your UPC foreign correspondent CW here, reporting live from the Forbes Bureau.
It’s time for Late Night Breakfast here at Forbes—now through 11:30—because Forbes is crazy. Forbes does breakfast at night. Forbes knows no boundaries. Forbes takes your expectations and says, “These expectations are dumb.”
What’s that? Other dining halls have Late Night Breakfast too? Never mind then…
9:47 pm – the floor of Holder Hall
I usually love a good Lisa Frank meme, but today, all of the rainbow cheer just seems insensitive.
If my coffee was strong, would I be lying on the floor of my dorm room, trying to take a nap but too stressed to fall asleep? If my Monday was short, would I pass any of my classes? Lisa Frank, peak insensitivity.
Pretty tone-deaf to bring up climate change right now.
Dear Lisa Frank, have you heard of this fun website: http://isitdeansdate.com/?
Don’t tell me to smile.
You and me both, Lisa. You and me both.
For bonus points, check out this crazy video of Lisa Frank where, like Sia, she does not show her face. Lisa Frank did it first![embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOVUCkgoAuE[/embed]
“If I was a drug addict, how could I have possibly done all this?” – Lisa Frank
9:18 pm – Edwards Hall
When I stepped foot into Princeton, I promised myself that I would never become an academic who uses words like “versimillitude” and “extralinguistic,” which I may or may not have used in my JP…
I set out to find the most ridiculously academic, convoluted, jargon-y phrases I could find on this Dean’s Date eve. Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t an arduous search. Here is an aggregation of the most pedagogic responses:
“Even from the grave, fallen kin often haunt their descendants in the form of Social Darwinist reversion, recapitulationism, and anthropological criminology.” – LZ ‘20
“In this sense, the painting can be viewed as a progression from certainty in the form of realism to to uncertainty in the form of abstraction.” – GF ‘17
“In clarifying the temporal point at which the state’s interest in fetal life prevailed over the woman’s interest in bodily autonomy—and therefore subjecting the woman to regulation at an earlier point in gestation—Texarkana holds “pre-viable” fetuses in higher moral regard than the Court did in Roe and Casey.” – MG ‘20
“The concept of the human condition is what connects us to and proves the verity of reality. Such things as birth, conflict, and mortality proves the reality of human’s Earth.”- LE ‘20
“If the question is simply “Why?” then our answers are infinite—and some of them quite obvious.” – LS ‘18
“Ostensibly, there’s a non-zero likelihood that in some instances of the assignment of written argumentation in response to a given prompt, specifically those whose projected date of completion is the second Tuesday after the end of semester, this author has produced utterances with such winding structure as to obscure the intended meaning of an argument to such a degree that the reader, at a loss for understanding but in awe of the apparent cogency of the utterance, cannot help but respond to the argument with a relatively favorable evaluation of performance, namely, a grade of A-.” – MS ’17 (authenticity unverifiable)
8:57 pm – Spelman hall (writing my last page of my last paper ever in my college career)
Did you know that each graduating Princeton senior receives a “challenge coin”?
I didn’t until going through the senior checkout fair last week, and was handed this coin:
The basic idea is that you carry it on you at all times. (So you don’t forget that you’re a Princeton alum, from the Great Class of X, and oh, while you’re at it, please make a donation and pay your class dues.)
If you meet a Princeton alum somewhere beyond the Bubble, you’re supposed to whip out your coin to prove that you’re a real tiger. And if they can’t whip out their own coin, they have to buy you a drink.
8:48 pm – outside J Street (afraid to enter)
Because my politics essay can write itself, I’m going to scroll through my YouTube history.
I got a hankering for cute animal videos last night in Firestone. Here’s one of a grizzly bear jumping into a swimming pool:[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYq6MgSgnFQ[/embed]
Here is my personal favorite, of a big slobbery dog even heavier than my despair:[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUf-4VNeF2A[/embed]
Lastly, I don’t know if anyone else is a fan of Billy Eichner, but he is distracting and loud enough to keep me awake all night:[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwL_pRzJuR4[/embed]
7:34 pm – hard bench in my room (discomfort helps you stay awake)
It’s the day after Mother’s Day. In the flurry of mom-themed social media and articles, I find myself really missing my parents. I revisited my texts with my mom and also asked some friends for the cutest text exchanges they’ve had with their parents since they’ve been at Princeton. Here are some of the messages to perk you up or maybe make you somewhat nostalgic this sad, weather-confused day:[gallery size="full" ids="19117,19118,19119,19120,19121,19122"]
7:17 pm – the dorms in Wilcox that nobody knows exist
As you hunker down for what will inevitably be the longest and most grueling night of your life (until the next Dean’s Date, that is), you might be in want of a soundtrack for your pain:
- livestreamed lo-fi (including this, this, and this)
- cinematic suites about roads that are really close to us
- vintage tea party jams
- vintage French jams
- some Linkin Park for the soul
- Gregory Alan Isakov
- easily my favorite jazz study playlist of all time
- a twenty-five minute song that I highly recommend regardless of your taste in music
6:55 pm – Marquand Library
If you are worried that your dean’s date assignments are slowly floating towards the bizarre/nonsensical/absurd as the hours whittle away, don’t fret, just watch this video and realize whatever you submit is far from the most insane thing someone has submitted on Dean’s Date:
(I know that we have shared this before on the live blog but it is just so good and demands being revisited each Dean’s Date. It is a Princeton masterpiece. Long Live Kuchar!)
6:45 pm – Whitman Library
Can we talk about the fact that this big-ass kinetic tiger sculpture has been sitting outside Whit Lib for this entire year with no explanation? What… why…is it?
5:46 pm – Firestone Café
Needlessly looking at books is the last thing most Princetonians want to do right now, but spine reading is a sport of its own. The newly café-d Tiger Den in Firestone has a quirk you might not have noticed: it’s full of books about women.
A Survey of the Woman Problem. The White Goddess. Three Wise Virgins. What are these volumes even doing in the same section, you might wonder?
I could have made this post a rant about the Library of Congress Classification System and how it literally stacks the American conception of womanhood in neatly typed titles next to each other. Volumes full of them, as Mitt Romney might say.
Instead, I invite you to let your tired eyes read between the shelves and laugh about sexism for the first time in a while.
1. Luckily, there are only two volumes necessary to master womanhood.
2. “The trouble with women is men.” Sounds well meaning, but somehow still offensive.
3. “The Sum of Feminine Achievement” – a fun, quick read.
4. Dostoevsky’s Wife = Anna Dostoevskaya. Tolstoy’s wife = Sophia Tolstaya.
5. “Live Alone and Like It” or “Women Who Don’t Meet Susan Patton’s Expectations.”
6. De Beauvoir’s “The Second Sex” isn’t thrilled about her shelf-mate.
7. Only “good women” are worthy of defense, clearly.
8. New requirement for female ORF majors: “What Every Woman Should Know About ƒinance”
11. “Good women” take up a lot of shelf space.
12. Their main rival are “women of some importance.”
13. Men = Men. Women = Virgins.
14. “Wife no. 19” is not to be mistaken with “The Twenty-seventh Wife,” is not to be mistaken with Tolstoy’s Wife.
15. My personal favorite, “Professions Accessible to Women” by someone named Chauvin.
5:38 – The Syllabus
Final Paper Assignment:
In 8 – 10 single spaced pages, analyze this video using methods discussed in class:
Remember that the final paper makes up 90% of your final grade.
(P.S. Much to my disappointment, www.funkyfreshsrchoir.com is not a real website.)
5:07 PM – Chancellor Green Cafe
I told my crush I liked them through a Spotify playlist
5:00 PM – Firestone’s most comfortable couch
The Dean’s Date LiveBlog has long been the crowning achievement of every Press Club semester.
Ok, not really. But for whatever reason it’s the main thing most of campus knows us for. . . so. . . HERE GOES:
We, too, are crying silent tears of anguish at the thousands of words left to write. We, too, are staring at blank Word documents until the edges begin to blur. We, too, are setting up camp in the bowels of Firestone to await the early morning light.
We, like you, are procrastinating. But one thing we will never procrastinate on is providing your one ray of hope amidst an atmosphere of impending doom. The (in?)famous Dean’s Date LiveBlog is back. Prepare yourselves for continuous updates for the next 24 hours.
Serious journalism never takes a break. Neither do we. Here’s a Vine:
-LS & EA