If you haven’t heard of it already, Yale’s Admissions Office recently released a new video called “Why I Chose Yale.” Here it is.
Insane, right? Some blogs have called it “Why I Didn’t Choose Yale,” others are scratching their heads as to why this was created, and, naturally, Yalies are up in arms about it over at the Yale Daily News.
All that said… It is kind of cool, as far as university-created videos go. It’s incredibly well produced, obviously took a lot of effort to put together, and is, well, kind of enjoyable, in a way that most college admission videos aren’t. For those of you who’d rather not sit through the 16 minutes of High School Musical-inspired camp, here are some of the highlights:
- Everything looks good. Seriously, put the video on mute and just see how nice Yale’s facilities are. (Residential colleges have their own gyms? What?)
- Brian Williams completes a rhyme at 6:45. Damn. It’s cool.
- At 6:15, a professor sings over a really awful “hard rock” guitar riff. It makes me uncomfortable.
- 9:49 starts the worst part of the video, with the “academic” section. Imagine if all those people who brag about their internships and majors got a chance to sing their boasts over a cheesy guitar-and-strings pop riff with verses like, “Last year I spent the summer abroad / I helped to monitor a foreign election / And now I volunteer at a law school clinic on human rights protection” and “I came to Yale from across the world because I wanted a global education / Now I’m bringing cleaner water to the countries that need it through the H20 Africa Foundation.”
- Just read the above point again, because it’s hilarious and so gruesomely corny, and not in the way that Yale intended. It’s more like intellectual masturbation, set to awful music.
So, you’re thinking, Yale made a video that’s effectively tarnished their storied reputation with a level of self-congratulatory kitsch unseen in the Ivy League’s long history. Big whoop…
Well, sure, but it got people talking about Yale, which is kind of the point. (You could also say it’s turning off a lot of would-be applicants, but we’ll get to that later.) The Washington Post and the New York Times picked up the Yale video story – and didn’t report on the fact that Princeton’s Class of 2014 applications rose 19 percent from last year.
So Princeton’s bound to get jealous of all the attention at some point. What should we do about it? Let’s make our own admissions video and blow Yale’s out of the water, because we might as well go big or go home.
All right guys, this is gonna be easy, because we’re going to incorporate everything awesome about Princeton and throw it into one badass video that is just going to blow prefrosh minds away with how frickin’ great and not-Yale it is. A fleshed out storyboard is forthcoming, but here are some ideas:
1. No singing. That already backfired for Yale. And plus, what are we, Whiffenpoofs? (That said, if music is an absolute must, there’s only one option: AutoTuned rapping by Cornel West and his crew.)
2. No mention of academics. I mean, really? Grade deflation’s really gonna bring in the applications, let me tell you.
3. Incorporate Princeton alumni and professors, real and fictional. Brian Williams was in the Yale video, and he didn’t even go there. Let’s pull some strings.
Alec Baldwin playing Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock. Neil Patrick Harris playing Doogie Howser. Christian Bale playing Batman (not going crazy, though). Russell Crowe as John Nash (not going crazy, though). And throw in Brooke Shields and some swimsuit models – applicants won’t know what hit them.
4. Let’s up the production value – dig into that endowment a little. Let’s film it in 3D. Hey, it got Avatar a Golden Globe. Just imagine Firestone, Chancellor Green, Frist pizza, the Woody Woo fountain, residential colleges … in 3D! So fancy! But since Avatar kind of sucked other than the 3D, how about we just get Ethan Coen ’79 and his brother Joel to direct it? It’ll be like, No Princeton for Old Men, and it’ll win an Oscar.
5. Hey, speaking of Golden Globes, what’s more Princeton than Mad Men? (A lot of things come to mind, but hear me out.) There was that guy, on the show, who works in the office and went to Princeton. Right, anyway, how about we set the admissions video in the 1960s, when people dressed better and smoked and drank a lot, and Princeton was more stereotypically old boys’ club Princeton? Sure, girls weren’t accepted then, but we’re not going for historical accuracy. (Also, January Jones as an English professor. Just sayin’.)
See? This is gonna be sick. Can someone call up Dean Rapelye?