We are very douchey, according to the fine folks at GQ, because we attend Princeton. And no, we aren’t talking about feminine hygiene products. (Dear God, why would you even think that?) More accurately, we are the third douchiest college in America, based on a completely unscientific mishmash of schools GQ editors generated from the depths of their Condé Nast cubicles. (Harvard is rated fourth, and Brown is ranked number one, just in case you’re keeping score. Duke is ranked second, and Yale is a no-sh0w.)
GQ explains its hilarious methodology:
First we think about people who annoy us or whom we’re just really, really threatened by. Then we write down what colleges they went to. And if we don’t know, we say, like: ‘That guy seems like he went to Princeton, don’t you think?’ Then we make up rankings for the colleges, order Thai food, and add Duke to every category. Sorry!
Thus, in this month’s issue, Princeton is dubbed “The Eating-Club Douche” because, according to the magazine, we say things like, “Hey, didn’t I see you at the Cap & Gown Club?” I mean, of course. We say things like, “Hey, didn’t I see you at the Quadrangle Club?” and “Will I be seeing you at our Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs preceptorial this afternoon?” all the time. Don’t you?
More after the jump:
Still, we’re a little smug with this latest “honor” because the write-up for our school isn’t all that terrible (in fact, it’s sort of complimentary!) compared to some of the write-ups for other colleges. For instance, they say that in ten years we will be their boss! That is news to us.
GQ also writes about Princeton:
Most Ivy Leaguers try (unconvincingly) not to mention which college they went to. Not at Princeton.
This is somewhat true, we admit, but not because we are douches, per se. First, our town is also called Princeton, so we can’t say we go to school in New Haven or Cambridge, which makes the identity of your college a deep secret that no one will ever figure out. Second, and more importantly, it’s because we go to school in New Jersey. We don’t want to say we go to school in New Jersey, or even Central Jersey. What if people thought we went to Rider or something? God forbid. Truly.
Regardless, we suppose we can take some comfort in knowing that at least we are the third douchiest school and not Brown. Though if our boarding school is casually mentioned in the rankings, does that make us an even bigger douche?