This isn't Princeton's masturbator, but if anyone's looking for this guy I think I saw him at the Wa the other night

Spotted! No, S and Lonely Boy are not talking on the steps. But some dude did jerk off in East Pyne.

Yep, that’s right, our favorite campus figure, the ever-elusive “Public Masturbator” has returned, and boy is he excited to be back. Really, really excited.

[Note: "Masturbation" seemed like too clumsy and long a word to use so many times in this post, so we headed over to the "Random Masturbation Synonym Generator" for some help.]

An email from Campus Safety sent out at 9:42 this morning describes the gorilla-buttering:

In an incident that occurred at approximately 12:30 a.m. on Monday, May 18, 2009, a Princeton University female student reported she observed a male masturbating while she was walking across campus.  The incident took place as the student was walking through the East Pyne courtyard and the suspect was standing in the west archway near Nassau Hall.  The student said the suspect stopped her to ask for directions.  When the student began to respond, she said she noticed the suspect appeared to be masturbating.  The student said she walked away and the suspect was last seen standing near the archway.  The suspect did not come into direct contact with the student.

Yikes.

It deserves mentioning that this wood-thwacker has only been spotted around McCosh Walk and 1879. This guy punishing Abe Lincoln sure prefers hitting the upcampus spots; no wacking the donkey in Wilson for him. Maybe he’s got a thing for Gothic architecture?

At any rate, this young man walking his Yoda was described as

a dark skinned male in his mid-20s, approximately 6 feet tall, slim build, with short dark hair.  He was reported to be wearing a dark jacket, baggy sweat pants and a light-colored, possibly white, shirt.

The description sounds pretty similar to the last two incidents’ dog-yanker. Except, last time he was wearing “a blue and black fleece zip-up jacket, blue jeans, and brown shoes.” Dressed to impress. But now he’s clubbing the wookie in sweatpants? Definite downgrade; or maybe he’s just more comfortable in sweats?

Even though there have been Borough police arrests connected with the public wankings, there haven’t been any convictions as of yet. This guy may be basting the one-eyed clown consistently, but that doesn’t stop him from being pretty slippery (no pun intended… okay, just a little pun).

Also, many have pointed out to us the irony of Mr. Nuttall sending out this email about bludgeoning the snorkel, given his colorful last name and all. And, yes, for your information, we giggled.

So, to the fiend out there shaking hands with the fisherman: Keep hittin’ the turtle neck, we’re all waiting for the next pump.